unraveling

This is one of my favorite songs I have writen. I wrote it a few years back so I can share it now. Songs end up having a life of there own eventually, out of the termoilin witch they where created and I think that is a cool thing.

UNRAVELING

Many stitches sown, trying to conceal
The keeper of the strings, pulling strings reveal
Colors brillant and bright, colors full of pride
Still the beauty within, in vain tries to hide

In your greed you want all the colors of my heart
Only taking my love I gave from the start
Holding on with fear, fear of losing control
Protecting my heart my new and main goal

Unraveling all the colored patchest of my heart
I handed you my strings one night in the dark

Stop pulling my strings my poor heart cries
If you unravel all of me, surely I will die
Standing almost naked, stand before you now
Holding on to the last of my strings somehow

I realize the beauty within and I'm not afraid
All my colored patches turned out to be all man made
Not portexting me or coming to my aid
Just leaving me lonely torn and frayed

To the keeper of my strings with true irony
For you are unraveling also now I see
Stubborn, defencive and trying to run
Dragging me through the mud, you have your fun

Becareful with the mean things you do
for the mean thing you do to me, you also do to you
eventually you will see, you are not exactly free
You are just a puppet on a string just like me

Unraveling all the colored patches of my heart
I handed you my strings one night in the dark

You handed me your strings one night in the dark

Unraveling

another sleepless night

The Coyote's kept the dogs barking all night long. I got out of bed three time to walk around the ranch when the coyote calls got close. The one sheep I have in the small pen by the barn was quitely hiding in a corner. My Rat Terrier is getting to old to fight them off and is showing the battle scars. My Lab mix is so old she struggles to just get around. I have one younger dog named Yogi, he is a Brat Terrier, a Rat and Boston cross, he has this funny personality of the Boston and the hartiness of the Rat he kinda look like a bit bull but not. The Boston gives the wide head and the Rat the stout body. I would love to find a female Brat who is not related to mine cause I always intended to breed this cross. I need another younger dog around here. I have owned sheep for eight years and this is the first year I have lost sheep to Coyotes. I do realize by getting the chicken and ducks I brought the coyote's around so now I have to up my defensive line. Please keep a look out for any Brat puppies available. Thanks so much

Coyote Trouble

Recently I sold most of my sheep at the auction, I didn't want to cause they were all going to have babies soon and I love the babies. I kept two pregnant ewes and one six month old ewe. I will use the six month old until the babies are old enough. Eight years ago I started out my sheep herding was with three little sheep about three month old. Three sheep became four a few days ago, a new little ram was born. He was really cute until last night when the coyote's killed him, his mother and the six month old. This is really out of control. I guess without the rams and the herd they are easy pray and the one alone won't last long either. I put her in a small pen up against the barn and we will hope for the best. It been so foggy lately hunting hasn't been impossible and the coyote's are getting bold. My dogs have wounds from fighting but somehow the ducks are fine.

Picking up scattered pieces of there remains was definitely a bad way to start the day.

I'll Be Waiting

This poem came to me a few years back. I sat down at my computer and wrote it as one continuous thought, start to finish word for word. Usually I write on what ever is lying around and then I finally put the scraps all together to form my thoughts, it's a little messy and scattered but it works for me. This poem was different and when I heard the music a few months later it fit perfectly and I didn't have to change a thing.
I was trying to date someone who thought it fun to make me wait, wait for him to come around. I stopped seeing him and after writing the song I called him to tell him I had wrote another song about him, I didn't say what the tittle was or what the song was about just that I had written one. I think I was poking a bit but anyhow his response to me was and I quote "I'm going to wait until you write a hole CD about me." I think I nailed this one right one the head. This is still one of my favorite songs to sing and stays true for any guy, it's timeless.

I'll Be Waiting
I'll be waiting
not for you but....

For the one who wants to make me happy
kinda sweet and sometimes even sappy
doesn't know what to do half the time
but I know he's all mine

Where I feel free and safe to laugh
cause he knows I'm his better half
when we wrestle with a knowing grin
playfully he always lets me win

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
not for you but....

For the one who trust and understands
I am trying to lend a helping hand
not crush him or hurt his pride
just show him his softer side

To the place where time stands still
face to face of our own will
where the mind can stop all it's games
to the place where we are all the same

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
not for you but...

For the one who doesn't make me blue
measure love by crying over you
someone who cares how I feel
cause if you don't than it isn't real

Who know you are mine and I am yours
someone tired of all the little wars
to the place in between happy and sad
in between indifferent and mad

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
Not for you but...
I'll be waiting for the one.

I'll Train You Good

Have you ever gotten to a place in your life where you don't have anything to lose? Your pride is already gone so what the heck, I can just say what what ever I want, who cares. It's freeing really. I do realize that I may never get another real date in my life after I say what I'm about to say but what the heck it's not looking real good anyways.

I will start off, by saying it's pretty clear I have trouble with men. OH the endless chatter about what is wrong with me. First it's my horses, if I was as passionate about men as I am with horses than I would have one in my life. Then it's I'm to head strong, a good man wants to be the one in charge, or I'm to picky. I tried loosing interest in my horses in pursuit of a man, I was miserable! According to my friends somehow I became to desperate and now I need to get stronger and chose better men. Well hell!

With all the trouble I have went through lately, I think one really finds out who they are and what they want, when you go through a bit of shit. Going through hard times gives you a real sense of what you don't want in your life and refines what you do. I love my horses and I deserve to have them in my life. They are honest and never change. They have been my best friends and they don't care how I look or that I am small, they respect and except me for me. It is a true partnership. I take care of them and they lift me up and make me better than I am without them. They are bratty and demanding but respectful if I work for it. They definately keep me on my toes. If one gets to big headed you might find yourself on your butt in the dirt. It's real, it's honest, and a lot of hard work as true relationship are.

Every man I have ever really dated after a while, they say I am training them like one of my horses, they use this to win any arguement. And to that I always say NO I am trying to help you understand but in my mind, I am truly thinking, of corse I am, clearly you have no idea what the heck you are doing, when it come to loving me.
Who would want to be treated badly? someone putting you down, have someone say to you ''even though you are not The One, I would like to have sex with you while I'm waiting for her to come along". That lovely disclaimer men have. If a man ever says he is a real ass hole before sex believe him and run. Why Can't we just be friends with benefits they say. You get yours and I'll get mine, it fine. Hearing this line of crap a few times I thought I would start doing and saying everthing they said and did to me right back at them. And you know what? They get pretty up set about it. I give them the disclaimer before we get started so we understand I am waiting for The One. They actually get butt hurt when you treat them like a sex toy. Funny they don't like it one bit either. Everyone is waiting for The One, someone you love to spend time with, just when you say it, it puts real pressure on the situation. I do realize by saying I'm waiting for the one I am putting them on the spot but isn't that the point.
Because I train horses for a living I can't train my man? Who thought of that one? Everyone trains the other person in a relationship, it's called setting boundaries.

I write songs about my life and I write them in poem form first then I put them to music later, it's just the way I write. I thought seeing I have all these song I can't afford to get recorded I will share them as their original form, the poem.

I'll Train You Good

Wild at heart and free to run
Love em and leave em in the morning sun
All the honey that you still
Can't brake the emptiness you feel

While I'm training horses all day long
Wondering why we don't get along
Why are good men so hard to find
I'll train me up one gentle and kind

I'll train you good
You know I would
Save you the bracken if I could
You won't respect me if I would
Oh honey don't you know
It's for your own good

Stubborn and wild and down right mean
Well you never seen the likes of me
I whip your ass and spur yours sides
It only hurts your over grown pride

The only time it going to hurt
When you try to through me in the dirt
It wont' be long before I make you kind
love can gentle your worried mind

I'll train you good
I'd save you the bracken if I could
You won't respect me if I would
Oh honey don't you know
it's for your own good

Men and horses their all the same
If you know how to play the game
When he comes with heart it hand
Then you know you've got a good man

Easy boy it's alright
Easy boy it's alright

ps.. tomorrow I will post

I'll Be Waiting

until then have a good night and God Bless.

Palomino Paint filly's offered for sale

This is Stella, she is a two year old filly by Chinas Fancy Boy and out of a quarter horse mare Sandy Q Bell. She is a palomino overo and very flashy with a white/silver main. She is big, a good mover and good minded like her sire, she was easy to halter brake and loves people. This filly is ready to start under saddle and waiting for her new home. Photo taken as a yearly.

the ying and yang of life

When I was about four my older sister went to school and I was left home. We lived in Michigan at the time on a dairy farm and now that my sister was in school my Dad had to take me with him to town to get food. We didn't have a car and so he pulled a sled for the food and I was on one of those round sleds, I remember it was red. As we passed a little lake my father thought it would be fun to both sit on the round sled and slide down the hill on to the ice and it was fun until we were out on the ice and we fell through into the freezing cold water. Thankfully it was not really deep and my dad was able to hold me up so my head didn't go under the water, only my body was wet but it was freezing out and we didn't have a ride. Wet and freezing we started walking back home, I was crying and wanted to sit on the sled but he made me walk to keep warm. I can remember the pain of the cold and I wouldn't walk any more and fell to the ground in protest crying so he carried me. Thankfully a tractor came by and gave us a ride. We were traveling a little faster but the wind was shockingly cold, I remember the driver put me up on the engine where it was warmer, he kept saying "don't touch the pipes dear there hot" I remember the pipes and trying to get as close as possible without touching them, my dad was in pain, wet from head to toe.
My dad was a big kid, he thought life was a big adventure and he liked the struggle of life, his attitude was great fun on the most part but sometimes not so much.
The town folk never talked to my father for he was a Hippy with long hair and they didn't have any Hippy's in Michigan back then. The driver of the tractor befriended my father on the ride home and he had invited us to a basketball game at the high school. Word had gotten out that we had fallen through the ice and now everyone wanted to know about the weird Hippy guy they had been afraid of, now realizing he was a single father of two little girls. I had never seen anything like a gym before and hid behind my father as much as I could, I remember everyone staring at us.
That Christmas was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to us, the hole town got together and one by one, car after car came Christmas Eve, they would talk to my father for a few minutes out on the porch and then leave. No one ever came to our little trailer especially at night. Dad kept telling us to go to bed but we would run out of our room to see out the window, we couldn't see much just the head lights of the cars. Dad would catch us and chase us back to bed, it was great fun and finally we fell asleep and woke up Christmas morning to find presents stacked to the ceiling of our little trailer. I remember I got a snoopy with wheels I could ride around.It had a little saddle on it, I loved that! Wow it was the best Christmas ever! Toys and more toys, I didn't understand fully at the time, it was just a great moment but later I was embarrassment that I was a charity chase, always being so pore.
I hate being cold, it's one of the things I worry about, I guess you could say it's a fear of mine, I never wanted to live like that again, Michigan is so cold, the snow would be so deep we couldn't get out of our trailer, dad would have to climb out he bathroom window and dig out the door. We moved back to California when I was four and a half, I grow up in a shack without any insulation, just wood and tar paper but it was warmer than Michigan. My dad would build onto our shack when he could find free wood and so their wasn't any real planning involved, our bedroom were down stairs from the wood stove so every night was cold in the winter. I think about that now and it seems crazy we didn't have any heat in our rooms. We would heat up water on the wood stove and then dad would pore it over us on the steps out side. It was truly miserable!
I hated the fact that my father didn't see anything wrong with looking through the dump for things. I would sit on the hill with my arms folded, refusing to look through the trash. My sister found a cool doll but I didn't care I was not going to dig through the feakin trash and then my father found a plastic Bryer horse with three legs. Being a horse crazy girl, I jumped in there looking for the other leg so I could glue it back on. I was heartbroken when I realized I wasn't going to find it for that was why it was in the trash in the first place. I kept the little horse and loved it anyways. The free adventurous spirit my dad had was a great thing sometimes but those experiences made me embarrassed when I grow up, making me not let others help me in my adult life.
With everything that has happened in my life lately I am coming to understand so many things more clearly.
I went out of town last week looking for work and when I came home my propane was out. I couldn't pay my bill. Growing up with only a wood stove now as an adult I really didn't want to mess with building a fire all the time so I have Propane but now it's a holiday and I can't get any until Monday and my house is 42 degrees. It's funny to think with my up bringing that I am not prepared for something like this but I'm not. No hot water, no stove to cook on and I'm cold, son of a bitch how is this happening to me.
I called my mom for help witch is really hard for me, she make me crazy always critical of me because I'm so much like my father but I didn't know what else to do. We have not been talking much the last few years and with my fathers passing things got really strained between us, in my asking her for help I have to work through my pride a little but in letting her help me we are both blessed. I realize now she needs to help me because she needs to heal from the pain of abandon me when I was a baby. Her guilt is over whelming to me, for I never missed her because I didn't know any different, I was only four months old when she left. The fact that I couldn't cry over her in her mind I never forgave her but in my mind I just don't have the same kind of pain she carries and I can never reassure her enough. I went to live with her when I was in six grade and she cleaned me up and showed me how other people lived, with a nice warm house and hot running water. She bought me nice cloths and brush out my hair. Because of her I got to step out of my life I knew and into a hole different way. People treated me differently when I was cleaned up. I got a tutor and started to learn to read. It change my life in a very positive way, but I was still my fathers little girl at heart and she hated that. As nice as all that was I missed my dad and moved back with him in seventh grade. I move back and forth in my teenage years, me and my mom had a good relationship but I grow up as kids do and she wanted me to stay a child and couldn't grow with me. She took it personally that I wanted my own life and everything came back around to me not forgiving her for leaving, when in fact I just needed to grow up and become an adult. It's been a long hard road between us to say the least but I am very thankful she came back into my life.

As I'm sitting in my cold ass house reflecting, out of the blue an old friend calls me, Ela Richmand, we haven't talked to each other for years, she said she had been thinking about me a lot lately and when she heard the state I'm in at the moment offer to help me out, letting me borrow her space heater. I can heat one room of my house and I am very thankful. Friends offer their shower and food and money, I am uncomfortable but also overwhelmed with their kindness.

The last few years have been a little crazy, and I have been forced to face my fears and with each new strange thing that happens I realize who I am, amazingly I feel like I'm falling in love with my life again. Facing losing everything I have worked so hard for makes me hungry to hold on to what I love and try! Try harder, trying is the secrets, worrying is wasted energy. I had stopped trying, complaining about everything wrong in my life not moving forward in my thinking, I was miserable! I'm sorry I wasted so much energy complaining. Now I'm scared but not so scared as to stop dreaming! I'm moving forward in my thinking and I feel alive and hopeful.
I hear people talk about the old days how things where better back then but most of the time they have never really tried it. I'm here to tell you that today is the best time throughout history to be alive and we are blessed with progress. Each generation resisted change, thinking it was so much better back when but it wasn't really. If I had been born a few hundred years ago I would have died in child birth. Life is ever changing and thank God for that! If I have to go back to living like I grow up I will endure, I was happy then and I am thankful now for the lifes lesson. We as a race will never go back, life is about progress and I believe we will figure it out together when we start trying, and then life get fun again. Complaining is so easy but go's nowhere, wasting our life's energy.
I am so amazed at the love my friends and family has showed me in my time of struggle and I feel blessed. The things I worry so much about are things of pride and as I'm painfully stripped of my pride I find beauty in others. Those thing in my past that make me who I am, the things that drive me, things I can't always see in myself, I realize my weaknesses are not so bad really. They are actually doors to freedom, freedom from my fears so I can dream again.
give and receive we are all blessed.