Starting Over

I believe in the law of nature and how the natural world works. Life is harsh and unforgiving and then other times it's amazingly beautiful with gifts of bounty, positive and negative one can not be without the other. Day and night we live, we die, you can't get out of this alive." So what to do with my time I'm given here on this amazing planet?


A broker had called me wanting me to maybe start working in real estate again, I am licensed, I just need to find a broker I want to work with. I really need a job but I need one that pays now.


Recently I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine, and it really got me thinking. His suggestion to me was I needed to flirt more, I'm to closed off and up tight I need to use what the good lord gave me. Yes I was offended, and started to argue with him at first. He said I needed to flip my hair around, smile and then touch men on the arm. There ain't no way I'm doing that! I don't like people touching me, I'm just not a real touchy feel person unless I really like you, let alone reach out and touch someone else, I have enough trouble trying to keep men from touching me as is, it's really not fun, I'm not going to invite them to touch me by touching them first. I'm always trying to get away from their hand on my back or the squeeze of the leg that linger until I have to move and of coarse the lovely hand slidding down my back side. I think at this point in my life, I'm kind of tired of the hole thing. I liked hiding out at my ranch and training horse, I'm comfortable here, but If I can't make a living here anymore I need to venture out, I can't get away from it, I need to except it as part of the natural world in witch I live. Not good or bad, for it is both. If the bad is staring me in the face, where is the good, I need to look for the good and follow.



I put on a sweaterdress with boots and off I went to my interview. One of the things I learned about myself while doing real estate was I liked to get dressed up and be clean. I have never really spent to much time on that kind of stuff in the past, cloths and shoes, I did shower at the end of the day and most of the time the water coming off me was brown. I had about two pair of high heals in my closet, one dark, one lite for any occasion, many pairs of flip flops though, I love my flip flops. I never do my nail cause why bother and I always cut and dye my own hair. If I wasn't so gray I wouldn't have even bother with doing that. I was focused on my family, training horse and music and who has the time? Wow it takes a lot of time to keep up with it all, being a woman today is a lot of maintenance but I really need a job so I cleaned the dirt from out of under my nail and put on some make up. I arrive at my interview, I was totally over dressed and felt very uncomfortable. I smiled and listened to his sales pitch, there was no flipping of the hair or touching! I realize I have been so defensive about being touched, apparently I have forgotten how to flirt. I really don't want to flirt to get a job! It feels wrong and it can only end badly, and then it hit me. I love to flirt, I think everyone loves to flirt it feels good to be attractive and attracted to someone. I think I love to perform because I can be flirty without being touched, I like the barrier of a stage. I thought to myself, that's the ticket right there, I can do that, I can sell it on stage and actually be myself I just haven't done it all the way yet. I need to get a band together and finish my CD it's time, it's my time. All my doubts, my fears and the voices of others doubts and fears dancing around in my head that I'm to old. Yet a great deal of the people in the entertainment business are my age. It boils down to the entertainment business and can you entertain others? Music is where my heart is and if I have to sell myself to be successful, I'm ready, lets do this thing! I asked Ela to come take some photos of me for my CD. It was great to work with a friend I feel comforable with, she made it fun.
I met a friend for a drink the other night to talk about maybe going back to waitressing at night so I could still ride my own horses during the day. There was a band playing and a young girl got up and sang a few song and Wow she was great. What a voice, I started to feel maybe everyone is right, I'm over the hill but I didn't get started until I was thirty five so technically I was over the hill right out of the gate. By the end of the night I was fine again, It's not about if I'm the best singer or how I look, there will always be someone better, prettier only that I'm myself and I'm doing what I love.

When the fear of being strangled, drugged, or raped or all three comes into your home, it gets really apparent life doesn't go the way you want it to sometimes. I can't get away from the crazy way people react to me but I'm not going to hide out any more, that wasn't really working out so well anyways. I'm not going to let fear consume my thoughts and hold me back. I'm going to let myself be me, where I'm at right now, I might offend some but maybe inspire others, it's good, it's bad, it's life. Out of the darkness comes the light every time, naturally and back around again. I have close friends and family who love and understand me, my heart is full.