Like most people I didn’t appreciate what I had until I lost it. Looking back I realize my part in the mess I made in my marriage. I had a lovely husband who tried in his way to loved me but because I got pregnant and we didn’t workout the boundaries first, our love wasn‘t fully realized. The courtship that is so important when you are free to make your own decisions was missing. I loved him and I was having a his child, end of story. It wasn’t the way I had it planned but we were truly in love before I got pregnant so no biggie right? I didn’t need him to formally ask me to marry him and so he did not, we just agreed it was best. That was the day my husband to be stopped trying. I have a lot of try for one little person. I was strong minded and ready to argue my point to the end and I did just that. Him leaving me with a child to raise by myself, scared me to the core. I wasn’t smart like book smarts, I barely made it through High School, I could train a horse but not in the horse world, I rode like a little Indian girl bareback. How could I train horses with a child? In my mind, he loved me, he was just scared and it will all work out fine, I just have to give him time. He stopped acting like he loved me and pulled away. He always had one foot out the door. He wasn’t ready to be a family man and so I tried to be perfect. The perfect wife the perfect mother, the perfect friend, I tried it all. No matter how many ways I tried to tell him I needed him to show me he loved me, he just couldn’t try very hard, he said he was too shy, so with my fears driving me and my outgoing personality I spoiled him, rotten!
He was always miserable and I his cheerleader. Eventually I grow tired and angry and he became a Dumb Ass in my mind. How could he love me when he can’t even say it or acted like it. He loved me so much at first and his shyness was cute but now it was this endless black hole of need I could never fill. The more angry I became at him the more my horses became an issue between us, they were a burden on the family. He was making me choose him or my life long dreams.
We were young and testing the boundaries, not really realizing the impact those fights would have in the end. My horses were my first love and that made him jealous. I was born loving horses, we didn’t have any around, we lived in the LA but still horse was one of my first words. To me horses are a part of me and I couldn’t see any difference in his love of old cars. He would spend our last dollar to buy a old fixer upper and I would do the same for my next prospect, we were hopelessly selfish, fighting with each other over who or what was more important.
I was sad and lonely as a cops wife, I grow up on the other side of the tracts and now I had no friends I could socialize with that he approved of, the perfect family image thing I felt I had to uphold. He always preferred working nights and in the day he worked on cars at his fathers shop only coming home to eat, if dinner was ready.
I understand now the only way he could feel in control was to withhold love and affection. It took me two years of counseling to figure that out. Looking back it seems really dumb, me trying to convince him how wrong he was for not loving me and him trying to convince me he didn’t care when in fact he did, very much, but with my self-righteous attitude and the ability to win any argument, withholding was his only power. It was the one thing I wanted, to know that he really did love me, not because I was the mother to his children but because I was his passion, his heart, his life. Funny, what I wanted from him was what he wanted from me, everything! Should someone have or even want everything from another person?
Fourteen years of marriage we struggle with our love but in the end our jobs won out. I had just qualified two horses for the AQHA World show and was finally making some money at my silly hobby. I was right! I could make a living doing what I love and I didn’t need him anymore, at least that is what he felt, so he moved back home and I stayed in Chico. He wanted me to give up the ranch and move back with him but I couldn’t do it. I had finally gotten what I worked so hard for. I worked insanely hard to get where I was and I wasn’t going to let it go, not when he never really loved me anyways?
Love is a strange thing and when I finally said enough he changed his mind. It was then that everything changed for me and for him. The emotionally cold man I tried to love so much was now telling me I was the perfect wife and he was ready to love me now, he realized his mistakes and wanted to make it right but I had nothing left. He was still asking me to walk away from this ranch and go back home and I couldn’t do it. I loved him so much for so long but I could not walk away from the life I made here. We tried to work it out for two years, living four and a half hours apart but the stress got the better of us both.
I thought I would remarry soon after I divorced. I was starving for affection and had felt totally alone in my marriage, I was now free to find someone who really love me. Me, the odd little girl who spoke to horses..
I didn’t talk to adults much when I was young. I had been abused by the baby sitters and so did not trust adults other than my Dad. My father was young and had two little girls to raise alone. He didn’t really think some things through and would use his lovers as baby sitters. Well Hell has no furry as a woman scorned and I got the fallout of his sexual game playing. My father did realize his mistake after the fact and move us out of the city to raise us right, as he put it, out in the country just the three of us. I had no trouble at all getting close to other kids and so I had some great friendships growing up.
It’s been eight years sense my divorce and I haven’t even gotten close to finding someone who loves me for me. I have loved deeply with everything I had, I know what love is and to settle for less feels wrong.
My reluctance to settle has brought the craziest men into my life. They will try everything under the sun to make me stay but love me. I have had the usual, trying to buy my affection only to be really cheap in the end, funny how that works? I’ve had the classic, using other woman to get me to settle, making me jealous so I can’t see anything else but my fears. Oh the lies, the manipulation, trying to make me feel less than, using my age against me, as I should be lucky to even have someone at my age. I loved that one, I was 40 at the time, really? Everyone want’s the upper hand in love!
I had a boyfriend, a Doctor, try to get in my head that I needed work done on my face for all the hours I spent in the sun. I hadn’t really noticed until he brought it up that I do have some dark spots on my face from the sun. He had just opened a skin rejuvenation center and wanted to use me as case study. I really didn’t think he should be the one doing the procedure, I felt uncomfortable about it something was off about him and I wanted out of the relationship but he was a master at guilt trips. He finally talked me into doing the procedure after months of pestering me. The night before I over heard him talking about the procedure to someone on the phone, he wanted to change the filter and turn it up a few notches, I got really mad and told him NO, he was not going to turn it up! He promised he would not and like an idiot I went along with doing the procedure anyways. Against my wishes he turned it up and burned my face. I trusted him and he tried to scar my face with a Lazar so I would stay with him. Afterwards all he could say was “he still thought I was beautiful, he will still always love me.” He did not say he was sorry, just how much HE still wanted me. Crazy person! I found out later he was also fooling around with a woman at work. I have looked into the eye of evil and foolishly tried to save their souls. Thankfully my face finally healed, it took six months before it would not turn dark purple every time I would get hot, I tried not to focus on it but it was really hard at first, when it’s on your face it’s kind of hard to over look. My own vanity made me not listen to the voice in my head telling me this person was wrong for me. I let him convince me I wasn’t enough the way I was. As I relaxed about growing old gracefully my face healed, I still have a farmers tan and sun spots but I feel more beautiful now than ever before in my life.
Why were the men in my life trying to hurt me? When it finally accrued to me that because I feel the need to be right all the time I make them feel wrong. Who wants to be wrong all the time? The dumb ass who can’t figure it out without me.
After that I throw in the towel and I tried being wrong, doing everything wrong, I wasn’t perfect and what did it matter anyways? Everyone else is all mess up so why do I try so hard to be perfect?
I tried the friends with benefits thing and that goes against my nature. I am a woman and need what all woman need from a lover, to feel safe, connected and valued. Friends with benefits is what men want but do not need, it‘s just nice but nothing connected to his heart. We all know men can have sex with a woman without feeling anything and if they have sex without trying, actually putting themselves out, they will not feel it. For me, it comes down to this, if I like a guy enough to have sex with him, than I like him! And naturally I will get attached if I have sex with him. Did you know that when a woman has an orgasm a little of the same hormones are released as when she gives birth. The attachment hormone is a powerful thing. Men and Woman are very different in love and sex. If I don’t have any feelings for him than I really don’t want to have sex with him. Most men will tell you if a woman has sex with him right off the bat he will not even consider having a relationship with her. If I have sex with a guy as friends than he will not grow in love but the opposite is true for me. Pretty simple, it’s just self inflicted misery. The old fashion dating rules are not out of date rules that don’t apply in the dating world today, they are the fundamental requirements to finding balance in love. A man needs a woman to set the boundries and say no.
I have been given the gift of beauty but it feels more like a curse sometimes than a gift. It definitely has not helped me find love or even helped me in my job, it’s an obstacle to get past, no one take you seriously when you are a pretty girl and woman hate you, it‘s crazy really. Well I’m not a girl anymore and my looks are fading but I’m no closer to finding that one person who fits me or for other woman not hating me at first glance. It’s better to be alone than with someone who does not have your best interest at heart, I know this for a fact. Where is the line from not declaring love to actually physically trying to hurt someone in the name of love. Did they all love me in their own way?
I believe my ex truly loved me and I understand now as to why he acted like he did not. All for the sake of power. Withholding love was his weapon and he could always win in the moment. Just like the fact that I think I am always right. In my mind if you can’t convince me that I’m wrong I don’t know what to tell you. I’m mean, really! am I supposed to pretend I think you are right?Black and White nothing in between.
I was only trying to make him see how much of a dumb ass he was for not loving me. His family was beautiful... I lived for him and our kids but I could not give up the horses, the one thing he wanted, to have complete control over me so he could feel like he was enough. The insecurity that drives us all a little crazy.
I realize now that love is an action, if you don’t put love in action you don’t feel it. I have way to much try and therefore I did not give my ex his turn to try, to give of himself, to have his longing, his loneliness to find his courage to grow. He found all of that when it was over. He wrote me a letter in the end saying how sorry he was for the way he acted and how he always felt jealous of my outgoing personality and actually resented me for it. Here I was trying so hard to cheer him up I never let him figure it out for himself, to really miss me enough to grow.
If you give to much, you take away from the other person. Over loving is just as bad as not loving enough and is off balance, for the one who is loving to much is in fact trying to hold the power so therefore is not righteous in there love just controlling. It took me a long time to realize this, I’m stubborn and head strong. I’m not saying I want my ex back, I’m just reflecting on the dynamics of it all. We are all so confused by this thing called love and attraction. Why I really feel it when I’m not being loved in return. Why when a man tries to hard I feel nothing? And it’s the same for men, their hearts are not attracted to easy either.
I believe I love the man who makes me try because that’s the way its supposed to be naturally, someone to challenge me. Someone to fire me up and push my button to force me to grow. It’s my job to set my own boundaries and life makes that as hard as possible it seems. I feel nothing for the man who wants to give himself to me completely right from the start because I don’t have to try. He is smothering and I can’t miss him, or even flirt with him for he is always there wanting more of me than I’m giving, it‘s miserable. Is this how my ex-husband felt? I shut down just like he did. The so called nice guy or nice girl makes you a bitch or a ass hole while the bad boy and the bitch makes you try to attract them, to put your flirt on and you like yourself more when you are trying. Yes I do cry more but I also feel more and somehow I must like the drama of it all. It works on different levels, he is always the bad guy with all my friends, I have something to complain about and my friends give me all the attention, telling me how great I am and how I deserve so much better. On the other hand the nice guy makes me look bad to all my friends, like I’m selfish and demanding and he is so sweet they love him. I don’t feel like crying with the nice guy but I don’t feel much of anything but irritated.
Having this revelation has not helped me any, I’m still a slave to this thing called attraction like everyone else. That light that shines in someone else’s eyes, calling you to make a complete fool of yourself. There is physical attraction without the light and that is just that, without, and empty. I can’t make the light shine and lord knows I have tried.
Patently I wait and try my best not to try to hard. It‘s easy when I don‘t see the light in someone else‘s eyes, I have balance and I enjoy my life but yet I still feel like I‘m waiting for someone, like something is missing. It’s crazy really! To want and wait for someone who will drive you insane, all the way to my braking point just to see where that is, pushing all my buttons until my head pops off. Love demands everything and the crazy part is, our hearts, well they just won’t have it any other way, men or woman, it's really not a gender thing. My heart is as retarded as the next, and seems to love a challenge, I’m just hoping to retain some kind of balance next time around. I think it would be really cool to love someone who loved me back equally and worth the personal work to get there. For now I strive to let things be, to know I‘m ok the way I am even in all my craziness.
He was always miserable and I his cheerleader. Eventually I grow tired and angry and he became a Dumb Ass in my mind. How could he love me when he can’t even say it or acted like it. He loved me so much at first and his shyness was cute but now it was this endless black hole of need I could never fill. The more angry I became at him the more my horses became an issue between us, they were a burden on the family. He was making me choose him or my life long dreams.
We were young and testing the boundaries, not really realizing the impact those fights would have in the end. My horses were my first love and that made him jealous. I was born loving horses, we didn’t have any around, we lived in the LA but still horse was one of my first words. To me horses are a part of me and I couldn’t see any difference in his love of old cars. He would spend our last dollar to buy a old fixer upper and I would do the same for my next prospect, we were hopelessly selfish, fighting with each other over who or what was more important.
I was sad and lonely as a cops wife, I grow up on the other side of the tracts and now I had no friends I could socialize with that he approved of, the perfect family image thing I felt I had to uphold. He always preferred working nights and in the day he worked on cars at his fathers shop only coming home to eat, if dinner was ready.
I understand now the only way he could feel in control was to withhold love and affection. It took me two years of counseling to figure that out. Looking back it seems really dumb, me trying to convince him how wrong he was for not loving me and him trying to convince me he didn’t care when in fact he did, very much, but with my self-righteous attitude and the ability to win any argument, withholding was his only power. It was the one thing I wanted, to know that he really did love me, not because I was the mother to his children but because I was his passion, his heart, his life. Funny, what I wanted from him was what he wanted from me, everything! Should someone have or even want everything from another person?
Fourteen years of marriage we struggle with our love but in the end our jobs won out. I had just qualified two horses for the AQHA World show and was finally making some money at my silly hobby. I was right! I could make a living doing what I love and I didn’t need him anymore, at least that is what he felt, so he moved back home and I stayed in Chico. He wanted me to give up the ranch and move back with him but I couldn’t do it. I had finally gotten what I worked so hard for. I worked insanely hard to get where I was and I wasn’t going to let it go, not when he never really loved me anyways?
Love is a strange thing and when I finally said enough he changed his mind. It was then that everything changed for me and for him. The emotionally cold man I tried to love so much was now telling me I was the perfect wife and he was ready to love me now, he realized his mistakes and wanted to make it right but I had nothing left. He was still asking me to walk away from this ranch and go back home and I couldn’t do it. I loved him so much for so long but I could not walk away from the life I made here. We tried to work it out for two years, living four and a half hours apart but the stress got the better of us both.
I thought I would remarry soon after I divorced. I was starving for affection and had felt totally alone in my marriage, I was now free to find someone who really love me. Me, the odd little girl who spoke to horses..
I didn’t talk to adults much when I was young. I had been abused by the baby sitters and so did not trust adults other than my Dad. My father was young and had two little girls to raise alone. He didn’t really think some things through and would use his lovers as baby sitters. Well Hell has no furry as a woman scorned and I got the fallout of his sexual game playing. My father did realize his mistake after the fact and move us out of the city to raise us right, as he put it, out in the country just the three of us. I had no trouble at all getting close to other kids and so I had some great friendships growing up.
It’s been eight years sense my divorce and I haven’t even gotten close to finding someone who loves me for me. I have loved deeply with everything I had, I know what love is and to settle for less feels wrong.
My reluctance to settle has brought the craziest men into my life. They will try everything under the sun to make me stay but love me. I have had the usual, trying to buy my affection only to be really cheap in the end, funny how that works? I’ve had the classic, using other woman to get me to settle, making me jealous so I can’t see anything else but my fears. Oh the lies, the manipulation, trying to make me feel less than, using my age against me, as I should be lucky to even have someone at my age. I loved that one, I was 40 at the time, really? Everyone want’s the upper hand in love!
I had a boyfriend, a Doctor, try to get in my head that I needed work done on my face for all the hours I spent in the sun. I hadn’t really noticed until he brought it up that I do have some dark spots on my face from the sun. He had just opened a skin rejuvenation center and wanted to use me as case study. I really didn’t think he should be the one doing the procedure, I felt uncomfortable about it something was off about him and I wanted out of the relationship but he was a master at guilt trips. He finally talked me into doing the procedure after months of pestering me. The night before I over heard him talking about the procedure to someone on the phone, he wanted to change the filter and turn it up a few notches, I got really mad and told him NO, he was not going to turn it up! He promised he would not and like an idiot I went along with doing the procedure anyways. Against my wishes he turned it up and burned my face. I trusted him and he tried to scar my face with a Lazar so I would stay with him. Afterwards all he could say was “he still thought I was beautiful, he will still always love me.” He did not say he was sorry, just how much HE still wanted me. Crazy person! I found out later he was also fooling around with a woman at work. I have looked into the eye of evil and foolishly tried to save their souls. Thankfully my face finally healed, it took six months before it would not turn dark purple every time I would get hot, I tried not to focus on it but it was really hard at first, when it’s on your face it’s kind of hard to over look. My own vanity made me not listen to the voice in my head telling me this person was wrong for me. I let him convince me I wasn’t enough the way I was. As I relaxed about growing old gracefully my face healed, I still have a farmers tan and sun spots but I feel more beautiful now than ever before in my life.
Why were the men in my life trying to hurt me? When it finally accrued to me that because I feel the need to be right all the time I make them feel wrong. Who wants to be wrong all the time? The dumb ass who can’t figure it out without me.
After that I throw in the towel and I tried being wrong, doing everything wrong, I wasn’t perfect and what did it matter anyways? Everyone else is all mess up so why do I try so hard to be perfect?
I tried the friends with benefits thing and that goes against my nature. I am a woman and need what all woman need from a lover, to feel safe, connected and valued. Friends with benefits is what men want but do not need, it‘s just nice but nothing connected to his heart. We all know men can have sex with a woman without feeling anything and if they have sex without trying, actually putting themselves out, they will not feel it. For me, it comes down to this, if I like a guy enough to have sex with him, than I like him! And naturally I will get attached if I have sex with him. Did you know that when a woman has an orgasm a little of the same hormones are released as when she gives birth. The attachment hormone is a powerful thing. Men and Woman are very different in love and sex. If I don’t have any feelings for him than I really don’t want to have sex with him. Most men will tell you if a woman has sex with him right off the bat he will not even consider having a relationship with her. If I have sex with a guy as friends than he will not grow in love but the opposite is true for me. Pretty simple, it’s just self inflicted misery. The old fashion dating rules are not out of date rules that don’t apply in the dating world today, they are the fundamental requirements to finding balance in love. A man needs a woman to set the boundries and say no.
I have been given the gift of beauty but it feels more like a curse sometimes than a gift. It definitely has not helped me find love or even helped me in my job, it’s an obstacle to get past, no one take you seriously when you are a pretty girl and woman hate you, it‘s crazy really. Well I’m not a girl anymore and my looks are fading but I’m no closer to finding that one person who fits me or for other woman not hating me at first glance. It’s better to be alone than with someone who does not have your best interest at heart, I know this for a fact. Where is the line from not declaring love to actually physically trying to hurt someone in the name of love. Did they all love me in their own way?
I believe my ex truly loved me and I understand now as to why he acted like he did not. All for the sake of power. Withholding love was his weapon and he could always win in the moment. Just like the fact that I think I am always right. In my mind if you can’t convince me that I’m wrong I don’t know what to tell you. I’m mean, really! am I supposed to pretend I think you are right?Black and White nothing in between.
I was only trying to make him see how much of a dumb ass he was for not loving me. His family was beautiful... I lived for him and our kids but I could not give up the horses, the one thing he wanted, to have complete control over me so he could feel like he was enough. The insecurity that drives us all a little crazy.
I realize now that love is an action, if you don’t put love in action you don’t feel it. I have way to much try and therefore I did not give my ex his turn to try, to give of himself, to have his longing, his loneliness to find his courage to grow. He found all of that when it was over. He wrote me a letter in the end saying how sorry he was for the way he acted and how he always felt jealous of my outgoing personality and actually resented me for it. Here I was trying so hard to cheer him up I never let him figure it out for himself, to really miss me enough to grow.
If you give to much, you take away from the other person. Over loving is just as bad as not loving enough and is off balance, for the one who is loving to much is in fact trying to hold the power so therefore is not righteous in there love just controlling. It took me a long time to realize this, I’m stubborn and head strong. I’m not saying I want my ex back, I’m just reflecting on the dynamics of it all. We are all so confused by this thing called love and attraction. Why I really feel it when I’m not being loved in return. Why when a man tries to hard I feel nothing? And it’s the same for men, their hearts are not attracted to easy either.
I believe I love the man who makes me try because that’s the way its supposed to be naturally, someone to challenge me. Someone to fire me up and push my button to force me to grow. It’s my job to set my own boundaries and life makes that as hard as possible it seems. I feel nothing for the man who wants to give himself to me completely right from the start because I don’t have to try. He is smothering and I can’t miss him, or even flirt with him for he is always there wanting more of me than I’m giving, it‘s miserable. Is this how my ex-husband felt? I shut down just like he did. The so called nice guy or nice girl makes you a bitch or a ass hole while the bad boy and the bitch makes you try to attract them, to put your flirt on and you like yourself more when you are trying. Yes I do cry more but I also feel more and somehow I must like the drama of it all. It works on different levels, he is always the bad guy with all my friends, I have something to complain about and my friends give me all the attention, telling me how great I am and how I deserve so much better. On the other hand the nice guy makes me look bad to all my friends, like I’m selfish and demanding and he is so sweet they love him. I don’t feel like crying with the nice guy but I don’t feel much of anything but irritated.
Having this revelation has not helped me any, I’m still a slave to this thing called attraction like everyone else. That light that shines in someone else’s eyes, calling you to make a complete fool of yourself. There is physical attraction without the light and that is just that, without, and empty. I can’t make the light shine and lord knows I have tried.
Patently I wait and try my best not to try to hard. It‘s easy when I don‘t see the light in someone else‘s eyes, I have balance and I enjoy my life but yet I still feel like I‘m waiting for someone, like something is missing. It’s crazy really! To want and wait for someone who will drive you insane, all the way to my braking point just to see where that is, pushing all my buttons until my head pops off. Love demands everything and the crazy part is, our hearts, well they just won’t have it any other way, men or woman, it's really not a gender thing. My heart is as retarded as the next, and seems to love a challenge, I’m just hoping to retain some kind of balance next time around. I think it would be really cool to love someone who loved me back equally and worth the personal work to get there. For now I strive to let things be, to know I‘m ok the way I am even in all my craziness.
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