love craziness

Like most people I didn’t appreciate what I had until I lost it. Looking back I realize my part in the mess I made in my marriage. I had a lovely husband who tried in his way to loved me but because I got pregnant and we didn’t workout the boundaries first, our love wasn‘t fully realized. The courtship that is so important when you are free to make your own decisions was missing. I loved him and I was having a his child, end of story. It wasn’t the way I had it planned but we were truly in love before I got pregnant so no biggie right? I didn’t need him to formally ask me to marry him and so he did not, we just agreed it was best. That was the day my husband to be stopped trying. I have a lot of try for one little person. I was strong minded and ready to argue my point to the end and I did just that. Him leaving me with a child to raise by myself, scared me to the core. I wasn’t smart like book smarts, I barely made it through High School, I could train a horse but not in the horse world, I rode like a little Indian girl bareback. How could I train horses with a child? In my mind, he loved me, he was just scared and it will all work out fine, I just have to give him time. He stopped acting like he loved me and pulled away. He always had one foot out the door. He wasn’t ready to be a family man and so I tried to be perfect. The perfect wife the perfect mother, the perfect friend, I tried it all. No matter how many ways I tried to tell him I needed him to show me he loved me, he just couldn’t try very hard, he said he was too shy, so with my fears driving me and my outgoing personality I spoiled him, rotten!
He was always miserable and I his cheerleader. Eventually I grow tired and angry and he became a Dumb Ass in my mind. How could he love me when he can’t even say it or acted like it. He loved me so much at first and his shyness was cute but now it was this endless black hole of need I could never fill. The more angry I became at him the more my horses became an issue between us, they were a burden on the family. He was making me choose him or my life long dreams.
We were young and testing the boundaries, not really realizing the impact those fights would have in the end. My horses were my first love and that made him jealous. I was born loving horses, we didn’t have any around, we lived in the LA but still horse was one of my first words. To me horses are a part of me and I couldn’t see any difference in his love of old cars. He would spend our last dollar to buy a old fixer upper and I would do the same for my next prospect, we were hopelessly selfish, fighting with each other over who or what was more important.
I was sad and lonely as a cops wife, I grow up on the other side of the tracts and now I had no friends I could socialize with that he approved of, the perfect family image thing I felt I had to uphold. He always preferred working nights and in the day he worked on cars at his fathers shop only coming home to eat, if dinner was ready.
I understand now the only way he could feel in control was to withhold love and affection. It took me two years of counseling to figure that out. Looking back it seems really dumb, me trying to convince him how wrong he was for not loving me and him trying to convince me he didn’t care when in fact he did, very much, but with my self-righteous attitude and the ability to win any argument, withholding was his only power. It was the one thing I wanted, to know that he really did love me, not because I was the mother to his children but because I was his passion, his heart, his life. Funny, what I wanted from him was what he wanted from me, everything! Should someone have or even want everything from another person?
Fourteen years of marriage we struggle with our love but in the end our jobs won out. I had just qualified two horses for the AQHA World show and was finally making some money at my silly hobby. I was right! I could make a living doing what I love and I didn’t need him anymore, at least that is what he felt, so he moved back home and I stayed in Chico. He wanted me to give up the ranch and move back with him but I couldn’t do it. I had finally gotten what I worked so hard for. I worked insanely hard to get where I was and I wasn’t going to let it go, not when he never really loved me anyways?


Love is a strange thing and when I finally said enough he changed his mind. It was then that everything changed for me and for him. The emotionally cold man I tried to love so much was now telling me I was the perfect wife and he was ready to love me now, he realized his mistakes and wanted to make it right but I had nothing left. He was still asking me to walk away from this ranch and go back home and I couldn’t do it. I loved him so much for so long but I could not walk away from the life I made here. We tried to work it out for two years, living four and a half hours apart but the stress got the better of us both.
I thought I would remarry soon after I divorced. I was starving for affection and had felt totally alone in my marriage, I was now free to find someone who really love me. Me, the odd little girl who spoke to horses..

I didn’t talk to adults much when I was young. I had been abused by the baby sitters and so did not trust adults other than my Dad. My father was young and had two little girls to raise alone. He didn’t really think some things through and would use his lovers as baby sitters. Well Hell has no furry as a woman scorned and I got the fallout of his sexual game playing. My father did realize his mistake after the fact and move us out of the city to raise us right, as he put it, out in the country just the three of us. I had no trouble at all getting close to other kids and so I had some great friendships growing up.
It’s been eight years sense my divorce and I haven’t even gotten close to finding someone who loves me for me. I have loved deeply with everything I had, I know what love is and to settle for less feels wrong.
My reluctance to settle has brought the craziest men into my life. They will try everything under the sun to make me stay but love me. I have had the usual, trying to buy my affection only to be really cheap in the end, funny how that works? I’ve had the classic, using other woman to get me to settle, making me jealous so I can’t see anything else but my fears. Oh the lies, the manipulation, trying to make me feel less than, using my age against me, as I should be lucky to even have someone at my age. I loved that one, I was 40 at the time, really? Everyone want’s the upper hand in love!
I had a boyfriend, a Doctor, try to get in my head that I needed work done on my face for all the hours I spent in the sun. I hadn’t really noticed until he brought it up that I do have some dark spots on my face from the sun. He had just opened a skin rejuvenation center and wanted to use me as case study. I really didn’t think he should be the one doing the procedure, I felt uncomfortable about it something was off about him and I wanted out of the relationship but he was a master at guilt trips. He finally talked me into doing the procedure after months of pestering me. The night before I over heard him talking about the procedure to someone on the phone, he wanted to change the filter and turn it up a few notches, I got really mad and told him NO, he was not going to turn it up! He promised he would not and like an idiot I went along with doing the procedure anyways. Against my wishes he turned it up and burned my face. I trusted him and he tried to scar my face with a Lazar so I would stay with him. Afterwards all he could say was “he still thought I was beautiful, he will still always love me.” He did not say he was sorry, just how much HE still wanted me. Crazy person! I found out later he was also fooling around with a woman at work. I have looked into the eye of evil and foolishly tried to save their souls. Thankfully my face finally healed, it took six months before it would not turn dark purple every time I would get hot, I tried not to focus on it but it was really hard at first, when it’s on your face it’s kind of hard to over look. My own vanity made me not listen to the voice in my head telling me this person was wrong for me. I let him convince me I wasn’t enough the way I was. As I relaxed about growing old gracefully my face healed, I still have a farmers tan and sun spots but I feel more beautiful now than ever before in my life.


Why were the men in my life trying to hurt me? When it finally accrued to me that because I feel the need to be right all the time I make them feel wrong. Who wants to be wrong all the time? The dumb ass who can’t figure it out without me.
After that I throw in the towel and I tried being wrong, doing everything wrong, I wasn’t perfect and what did it matter anyways? Everyone else is all mess up so why do I try so hard to be perfect?
I tried the friends with benefits thing and that goes against my nature. I am a woman and need what all woman need from a lover, to feel safe, connected and valued. Friends with benefits is what men want but do not need, it‘s just nice but nothing connected to his heart. We all know men can have sex with a woman without feeling anything and if they have sex without trying, actually putting themselves out, they will not feel it. For me, it comes down to this, if I like a guy enough to have sex with him, than I like him! And naturally I will get attached if I have sex with him. Did you know that when a woman has an orgasm a little of the same hormones are released as when she gives birth. The attachment hormone is a powerful thing. Men and Woman are very different in love and sex. If I don’t have any feelings for him than I really don’t want to have sex with him. Most men will tell you if a woman has sex with him right off the bat he will not even consider having a relationship with her. If I have sex with a guy as friends than he will not grow in love but the opposite is true for me. Pretty simple, it’s just self inflicted misery. The old fashion dating rules are not out of date rules that don’t apply in the dating world today, they are the fundamental requirements to finding balance in love. A man needs a woman to set the boundries and say no.
I have been given the gift of beauty but it feels more like a curse sometimes than a gift. It definitely has not helped me find love or even helped me in my job, it’s an obstacle to get past, no one take you seriously when you are a pretty girl and woman hate you, it‘s crazy really. Well I’m not a girl anymore and my looks are fading but I’m no closer to finding that one person who fits me or for other woman not hating me at first glance. It’s better to be alone than with someone who does not have your best interest at heart, I know this for a fact. Where is the line from not declaring love to actually physically trying to hurt someone in the name of love. Did they all love me in their own way?
I believe my ex truly loved me and I understand now as to why he acted like he did not. All for the sake of power. Withholding love was his weapon and he could always win in the moment. Just like the fact that I think I am always right. In my mind if you can’t convince me that I’m wrong I don’t know what to tell you. I’m mean, really! am I supposed to pretend I think you are right?Black and White nothing in between.
I was only trying to make him see how much of a dumb ass he was for not loving me. His family was beautiful... I lived for him and our kids but I could not give up the horses, the one thing he wanted, to have complete control over me so he could feel like he was enough. The insecurity that drives us all a little crazy.
I realize now that love is an action, if you don’t put love in action you don’t feel it. I have way to much try and therefore I did not give my ex his turn to try, to give of himself, to have his longing, his loneliness to find his courage to grow. He found all of that when it was over. He wrote me a letter in the end saying how sorry he was for the way he acted and how he always felt jealous of my outgoing personality and actually resented me for it. Here I was trying so hard to cheer him up I never let him figure it out for himself, to really miss me enough to grow.
If you give to much, you take away from the other person. Over loving is just as bad as not loving enough and is off balance, for the one who is loving to much is in fact trying to hold the power so therefore is not righteous in there love just controlling. It took me a long time to realize this, I’m stubborn and head strong. I’m not saying I want my ex back, I’m just reflecting on the dynamics of it all. We are all so confused by this thing called love and attraction. Why I really feel it when I’m not being loved in return. Why when a man tries to hard I feel nothing? And it’s the same for men, their hearts are not attracted to easy either.
I believe I love the man who makes me try because that’s the way its supposed to be naturally, someone to challenge me. Someone to fire me up and push my button to force me to grow. It’s my job to set my own boundaries and life makes that as hard as possible it seems. I feel nothing for the man who wants to give himself to me completely right from the start because I don’t have to try. He is smothering and I can’t miss him, or even flirt with him for he is always there wanting more of me than I’m giving, it‘s miserable. Is this how my ex-husband felt? I shut down just like he did. The so called nice guy or nice girl makes you a bitch or a ass hole while the bad boy and the bitch makes you try to attract them, to put your flirt on and you like yourself more when you are trying. Yes I do cry more but I also feel more and somehow I must like the drama of it all. It works on different levels, he is always the bad guy with all my friends, I have something to complain about and my friends give me all the attention, telling me how great I am and how I deserve so much better. On the other hand the nice guy makes me look bad to all my friends, like I’m selfish and demanding and he is so sweet they love him. I don’t feel like crying with the nice guy but I don’t feel much of anything but irritated.
Having this revelation has not helped me any, I’m still a slave to this thing called attraction like everyone else. That light that shines in someone else’s eyes, calling you to make a complete fool of yourself. There is physical attraction without the light and that is just that, without, and empty. I can’t make the light shine and lord knows I have tried.
Patently I wait and try my best not to try to hard. It‘s easy when I don‘t see the light in someone else‘s eyes, I have balance and I enjoy my life but yet I still feel like I‘m waiting for someone, like something is missing. It’s crazy really! To want and wait for someone who will drive you insane, all the way to my braking point just to see where that is, pushing all my buttons until my head pops off. Love demands everything and the crazy part is, our hearts, well they just won’t have it any other way, men or woman, it's really not a gender thing. My heart is as retarded as the next, and seems to love a challenge, I’m just hoping to retain some kind of balance next time around. I think it would be really cool to love someone who loved me back equally and worth the personal work to get there. For now I strive to let things be, to know I‘m ok the way I am even in all my craziness.

The Chicken Coop part 2

Now that I have chicken and ducks I feel a deep feeling of home, something I tried to find when I first moved out here and bought some chickens and ducks but the coyotes eat them all and so I never tried again.
We had once tried to dig a pond but couldn’t dig down any deeper than two feet so we gave up on that idea. The ground is so hard you need a jack hammer to break through, it’s crazy hard out here .
Some people told me I couldn’t make it here when I first bought this property and said I was a fool for buying this land, I would never be able to have any trees out here cause they wont grow. And I believed them for a while but life moves on and so my trees grow, even though I would let them get so dry each summer their leaves would dry up and fall off. I wouldn’t notice until it was too late but despite my neglect they kept on growing. Last year when my father was in the hospital I darn near killed them and I didn’t even noticed until this spring when they stayed brown sticks on top and everything turned green.
Now that I have my dads half dead plants, keeping them alive was a high priority for me and so my trees started to come back as well, they lost their new growth and I had to break the tops off but they where coming back.


Sitting watching my ducks swim around there pond is like magic to me. It’s still only a few feet deep. My neighbor bought a new tractor and wanted to play with his new toy so I asked him to just put some more dirt around the sides. I just ran a hose into it and filled it up. Now there is green grass starting to growing around it and my ducks love it. They have to run a few hundred feet across the drive to the pond from the coop, witch is a crack up to watch. I have runners and they can haul ass too, it makes me smile every time.
Now with every up side, there is a down. As happy as my new chicken and ducks have made me, I found my Rooster with all the skin on is back eaten off and his ass was missing. He was dying slowly. Nature is so cruel and I started to cry. I don’t know why I didn’t even like him that much, he had started to attack me and I’m guessing the dogs but I really didn’t want to kill this animal. Every time I would pick him up he would perk up, I could feel him holding on to life. I set him on the ground he would walk around like see I’m fine and I can do this only to fall down a few strides later. I have had to put many animals down through the years. Today I’m crying like a child.
All the memories of having to help Dad kill the chickens. I think the reason it was so traumatic for us was because the experience was traumatic for him as well. My dad was a softy, he really didn’t like killing them and tried to make it our chore but we didn’t want to and cried. My Dad hated when we cried. We did it finally but it was a big show down with lots of yelling. We had to learn how to kill it, clean it, pluck it and cook it, it was a matter of survival and so we did it, but it was short lived and we went back to buying our meat at the store.
I can remember when one of the roosters started to attack us kids and my dad got so mad he tried to catch it, it was quick and my dad couldn't catch is so he picked up a 2x4 and tried to kill it. I thought he had lost his mind swinging that board around, chasing that rooster all over the yard, the rooster still trying to fight with him then turn and run, my Dad finally got so mad he went to the neighbors and came back with a gun and shot it. I had never seen him that mad before. It kind of scared me to see him lose it like that, his long hair sweaty and flying around, he had lost his bandanna that tamed his wild black hair in the fight, his face was beat red and the look in his eye I never saw before. I had never seen him with a gun before and he knew how to use it too. It was a hole other side to my father I never saw before that day. I knew the story, when he shot himself in the knee before I was born. The story go’s he had broke his leg roller skating and was bored so he was practicing his fast drawing skills and shot himself in the other leg. The story just confirmed my father was a complete goof ball. He was such a dork sometime but it was comforting to know he would defend me, with everything he had, even from a rooster.
I stand here now looking down at this suffering animal and knowing I have to put it out of it’s misery and still I can’t. I just can’t. every time I grab it by the head it struggle to live. I don’t know why this hit me so hard? I leave the rooster to go feed the horses, maybe I will get up the courage when I get back.
Why can’t I kill it? it wasn’t long ago I had to put a baby sheep down, it was born deformed and would have starved to death in nature or eaten by a coyote. The natural world is harsh and unforgiving and I didn’t want to deal with this now.
I go feed the horses hoping is will die on it’s own but it didn’t. Crying like a little child I pick up the rooster and broke it’s neck, I took it into the house to clean and cook. I had forgotten how hard it is to cut off it’s legs, my knife wasn’t sharp enough, this was not working, he smells really bad and there are bite marks all over his back. I will skin it, seeing it’s half way there, and then make soup. I’m not crying anymore at least, with one leg off and feathers everywhere I’m over the thought of eating it, this thing really smells bad and I started to laugh at myself. I don’t want to eat this, what was I doing?
Death is a life altering experience to say the least, greif is unavoidable. We all grieve in this life and we all have to come to terms with death. It’s completely natural yet it feels so wrong, the cycle of life that we can not control. The intense pain you feel when losing someone you hold dear. A pain you can not control nor deny, it has it’s own time, it’s own power, I can only except there is purpose to this process, this process we all endure. I write these stories because they release my pain a little, I guess part of the process is to share our struggle.

Day Forty Something: I'm not sure were I'm at on Happy's blog but last night at my Wed. night clinic I was asked how Happy was. I didn't mean to neglect him this long but with everything I just lost track of Happy so I thought I would ride him to day. A storm is a brewing but Happy is dragging his feet again. After all this time off and he is so lazy, he is doing this weird four beat thing, he is not a good mover in the sense of forward motions per say, but side to side is more his style. Today however there was no try in Happy's roll backs either.

Happy needs to get out of this round pen. I take him out and gather the sheep and push them into the holding pen. Happy perks up a little.

This is Blondie she is the first sheep I bought. She is slow and good for training colts. I can't work her more than a few days in a row or she will quit moving entirely but I thought she would be great to try and get a picture of the birds eye view of Happy working her. I thought it would be fun. I didn't think it would work for his head was so close up but I gave is a shot anyways.

woops, I get a little off center here, Blondie went back the other way, thankfully I wasn't wearing my spurs and I was able to recover my balance. Happy doesn't look very Happy but trust me, he is..

Good Morning To Me

I spent the day fixing fences, the pen with the post broken off at the base is still laying on the ground and the two pens are one now but the two horses are herd buddies and are getting along OK. I had put Sandi in a pen by herself so she wouldn't get kicked through the fence again only to see the other mare trying to do the same. This is a game these horses have learned and you can see the deliberateness of the mares intentions. Pour Sandi she is low on the pecking order and now I understand the reactions her two filly's had when halter braking them. They really didn't want to get trapped in a corner and now I understand better. I fixed the hot wire and walked the miles of fence to see any grounded wires. I plugged the fence back in and went to riding. The fence had been grounded out for a few days and my trouble makers where starting to lean on it so when I saw them take off running, snorting and shaking their head, I did my rain dance early, praise the lord the hot wire is working. Maybe now I will get some sleep tonight.
It was a long day and bedtime was calling. I get all tucked in and start to read when I hear my stallion call, that Oh so familiar sound, someone is out!
I get dress and out the back door I go, down to the barn in the dark looking for who has made there escape this time. Cody is pacing and looking up at the house, Mmmm everyone seems to be where they are supposed to be? All the horse are looking up at the house so back up I go to find my neighbors horse on my front lawn. Well hell if it's not one thing it another. It's over half mile walk to her house and back but he can't stay out, I call and thankfully his owner is on her way home and she will take care of him. I wait for her, making sure he doesn't go down to my barn and into my hay, finally she comes and takes him home. Back to bed for me.
The next morning I wake to find Whisper in my front lawn again and one of my mares with him. Their pastures are across the road from eachother and with whisper out my mare Chick had to follow suit. Now with two horses out together they are in the mood to play and take off running as fast as their legs would carry them down to the barn and around and back up to the house again, tails in the air and head going to side to side. They never run where they should, like on the road, no, that is to easy, they have to take the path least traveled and take out my water line. Well Good Morning to ME!
I turn off the water, cautch my mare and tie her in a stall and walk Whisper home. I give his owner the lecture on fixing the fence before letting him out again. She complains how long that takes to walk the fence line, I need coffee!
As I walk to my front door I see my morning glory I planted by my porch, the one that the dogs dug up twice and my chicken eat down to almost nothing had one flower. I gave thanks to my little flower with so much try, despite all it's set backs it showed it's beauty today, the day I needed it. I sat on the front porch and drank my coffee.

good to be home

It was time to go out of town again. Something I dread for my horse always get out and I worry about everything while I’m away. From my flowers getting eaten, my fences broken, my sheep getting out, my horses getting hurt to my stallions getting out and breeding someone they are not supposed too. Horses are very destructive, especially if they are young and bored. The grass is gone and the ground is dry and the hot wire isn’t getting a good ground. I run a drip line on the grounding rod and that seems to help but its still not zapping hard.
I have to feed and then get on the road. As I am feeding I notice one of the mares have broke off the corner post off at the base and now the fence was sagging but still up and the hot wire was still up. I didn’t have time for this today, everyone was still in there pens and so I decide to leave and hope for the best. Ashley was coming out later and would move them if it falls all the way down, I really didn’t want them in stalls I would have to clean when I got back so I left them where they where and left.
I get back and of course I had a horse out. She was on the back side, out on my neighbors land where there is still grass. Everyone one else was still in there pens thankfully. They had eaten a lot of the morning glory’s that are up against the fence but everyone was safe.
I feed and throw the mare on the other side of the fence, her food, in hopes she would walk back through so I wouldn’t have to walk all the way around and catch her. After feeding I notice she is not coming back through the fence, she is pacing back and forth, I will have to go catch her. It’s about a quarter a mile around and when I get there she is half in and half out looking at me. Her eyes where showing the whites, I stopped and talked to her for a minute. I was making fun of her for trying to go back there in a different spot, I could see where she had went through the first time down a ways. I left her hoping she would figure things out herself to go fix the fence. The mare never moved, she just stood there looking at me, I will have to get a halter on her and lead her through. She stands quite as I halter her, I step on the lower wire and lift on the upper and ask her to come through. She steps forward and swings her ass around catching the wire on her back leg. She tucks her ass and runs by me but stops when I ask her too but she had taken the fence with her brake it. She is nervous and looking back at her leg, I ask her to step back one step but she is stiff and wont move. I wait a minute and then ask again this time she steps back and I am able to guide her out of the wire. I was impressed she did so well for this filly (Tanya) was one of the harder ones to halter brake.
I start to fix the fence when I feel a light pulse, I drop the wire. The fence is still on, I forgot to turn it off on my way around. Thankfully it was grounded some where else and didn‘t shock me, I hate getting shocked.
Normally I would go around and around in my head, the fact that my horses did get out and I can’t get away from the worry but this time I was thankful I didn’t get shocked and everyone is fine, Tanya was so good to handle, some of my morning Glory’s took a hit but the blue ones I planted bloomed. It’s good to be home.


On the first real good rain I will be doing my normal rain dance, thankful every time I see one of my horses get zapped, sending them running and snorting to the other side of their pens, but for now I will keep watch.

Sale Day I wake up to mares out again. This time they kicked over another rock pillar. I knew I shouldn’t have put them in that pen before I got the hot wire on it but I needed the mare up to the barn so viewers could see both parents. They get out frequently for the two are ganging up on the one as to make her run through the fence, and normally they are easy to catch. I wasn’t sure as to why they are always the first to get out but the mare Sandi is showing the battle wounds now from the other two.
This morning I was extra stressed as it was my sale and concert and I still had a million things to do so I was pretty much screaming profanities and waving my arms around like a crazy person when I approached and the mares took one look at me and off they ran. I stopped screaming, as they have never ran before and now they are heading down to my neighbors. I didn’t have time for this shit this morning and started heading after them. Thankfully they decided to stop and eat the green grass up at the house but as I approached they ran again. The stallions have lost their minds screaming and running there pens so I decide to feed and maybe the mares will come back for food.
As I feed they came half way and let me catch them this time, I put them in the big arena and went to work putting the pillar back up and fixing the fence. The arena’s still need watered and horses bathed, Ashley shows up in the nick of time. Kelly shows up with the good sprayer and we get to work. We had washed half the horses the day before putting them in a stall over night only to have them seem even dirtier this morning than before we bathed them yesterday. Big Boy had managed to roll yesterday ever though I had tied him high on the hot walker, grinded the dirt in both sides so he needed another bath this morning as well. We all hustled and got everything ready for sale day, tables, chairs, the food and the spotless spotted paint horses to be sold, all quietly tied in there assigned stalls. Friends arrive and it starts off nice, it’s a beautiful day, but no real buyers come and finally I have to come to the disappointment of not selling any of the horses today.
More friends arrive and it’s time to start singing. I start off with the songs my father wrote. I couldn’t remember the rhythm to Got Good Reason, my mind went blank for some reason. I was so afraid I would cry while singing his songs, it is coming up on one year since his passing and things have been harder than usual lately, I never thought about my mind going blank but it was ok and I moved on to the next song. I had a flat bead trailer in the indoor as a stage and we find out when we start playing that it’s really bouncy. It not only went up and down but back and forth every witch way, we manage to get into the groove and through the songs. At the end of the day everyone came together, helped out and had a good time. I have some great friends and I learned a lot this first time around. I will still have these nice paint horses for sale here at the ranch and I am looking forward to doing another concert in the spring.
I have to admit I slept for a few days after, feeling sorry for myself a bit. As I found myself right back where I started, laying on my bed staring at the fan worrying I know I did the right thing, I got up and fixed up my ranch, halter broke some nice horses that needed it and I shared my songs and most importantly my fathers songs with my closest friends. You can only stare at the ceiling for so long and these last few month I have work hard, pushed myself to the edge of my sanity, I have laughed, I have cried and I have remembered love, love that made me who I am and for that I am forever grateful.

Ruby a two year old Fred filly

This is a two year old filly by Fancy and Fred. She is so sweet she was the first horse I wanted to bring down off the mountain. I had plans to have her under saddle and working the sheep by sale day. I didn’t have sheep when I started her Sire and Dam years ago and always wished I had. I did work Fred on cows a few times, he was afraid of the them at first but then I could see he was a gem, a cowy little sucker. Both parents where smart and as athletic as they get.
The first horses I brought home where the mares I had started in the past and this little filly was so sweet she followed me around and as I loaded her mother in the trailer I told her I would come get her next. The next trip I took she was the first horse I caught. I walked right up to her and put the halter on, she seemed to even put her head in the halter for me, what a sweet heart but when I asked her to follow she did at first… with each step she started to toss her head up and down and then side to side, opened her mouth, you could see the wheels turning in her head and then she planted all four feet firmly in the ground. Mmmm I don’t think she is halter broke? I didn’t have anyone there to help me so I left her and went to get a longer line and maybe if I put it around her hind end to help me get her feet moving. She was still standing in the same spot when I returned with the lunge line, I put it around her and ask her to move forward. She didn’t like this but came with me for a few steps and then she took off like a rocket by me. She was off and running with the lunge line flying behind her just add fuel to the fire. She ran all over that hill side just as fast as she could go, through the tree and down the hill and back around until she came to a stop again. Eyes wide and snorting, she would let me back up to her but if that lunge line moved she was off again. I managed to rap the line around a tree but she was scared now and was going to fight it out. As I’m wondering how to get this filly from this tree to the trailer, her full sister walks right into the trailer. I had put some grain in the trailer to coax the horses in earlier. She is a six year old breeding stock mare that doesn’t have papers so I really didn’t want this one now but she was in my trailer, no need making her get out. I decided to take the lunge line off the two year old and leave her with a shorter lead rope on to live with for awhile. I will have to pick her up another time.
I back my trailer up to an out side pen with hot wire around the top and let the horse out. I will let them settle a few day to get used to the hot wire, these horses are bad about pushing on fences for they have never been around hot wire.
Each day as I walk around the pen to catch other horses, I notice the six year old following me. She is curious and I decide to work her first. I stay in the pen with the other two horse and put the haler on her. I ask her to follow me by stepping to one side and then the other witch she does without resistance. I teach her to lunge around me both direction and leave her in the pen with the other two fillies.
The next day I recap the day before and she is great so I try to get her out of the pen and into the barn. About halfway she decided she wanted the comfort of her buddies and refused to go forward. She was getting upset starting to drag me now. With the reaction of her younger sister I didn’t want to push it so I put her in the big arena next to the others. She was friendly so this shouldn't be a problem.
The next day when I went to catch her she thought twice about it and took off running. She ran to one side then the other a few times and then I noticed she was trotting a perfect circle around me, like I was lunging her but she was free. She had learned her lesson from the day before well and now this is what she thinks I want from her is to trot circle around me. I had to laugh for she is a smart one. I stand still and she stands still. I move she moves. I have to block her now so she will understand I want her to stop not go when I approach. When I finally can get up to her again I pet her, put the halter on and then take it off again, I leave her in the big arena to work again tomorrow.

The next day I have to recap the lesson again but this time it only take a few minute. I lead her out and take her to the barn. She gets worries halfway again but this time I push on. She needs to get in the barn and out of my outdoor arena.
These horses are used to running in a herd and are nervous about getting cornered as not to get kicked by the dominate horses, getting them into a dark barn is tricky but I manage to get her into a stall. I take the halter off and close the gate. As I walk away she starts to circle and climb the walls. She is nervous now and a screaming fool, she will have to settle before I can do anything more with her.
The next day she is still mad about being confined but she mellows when I clean her stall, she is happy to have some company. I bring her classmate in the barn next to her and let them chill for a few days.
The first time I tie her she fights like there is no tomorrow. She throws herself down and around, and throws an out and out tantrum. I decide to call her nick name her Trouble.

What have I got myself into here? She is going to tare down my barn or hurt herself trying. After about a week she is settled to a pawing fool when tied. OH dear. I hope they are not all going to be little spit fires like this first one?
Back up to the ranch for the next three and that little two year old I wanted first. She still has the halter on but I had her owner take off the lead and now she wont have no part of this trailing business and stays out of reach. Grain she doesn’t care! She stays out of reach. I will have to get her next time.
Trouble has settle thankfully and will stand tied, she still will paw but not with such intent, it’s down to annoyance now, she is a very sweet mare, a little herd bound but seeming to get over that as well.
I remember Fred was just the same, for these horses have a lot of try. That energy focused is an amazing thing but a little harder to get started. Big Boys babies are just like him easy going and no trouble at all but Fred is a higher level performance horse, bred to be expressive.
Back up to the Ranch I go, this time I will get the two year old filly I wanted first. Enough time had past, she had settled down and with some help this time I was able to get her into the trailer with panels.
Seeing it was so hard to get these horses into my barn unloading them from the trailer into the barn seemed to worked well with the last group. Tanya make a break for it but the other two unload and wander into a stall without a problem.
I work with the two year old in the stall asking her to follow me around with a light pull. She is great I lead her to a new stall without any resistance. I tie her in the new stall and she stood tied for hours. I guess she was done with the tantrum throwing. She bathed and stood for her photo shoot like a dream for I had no help that day. What a sweet little ball of fire she is. I nick name her Ruby

Tanya

I was happy that Tanya started off today where she ended yesterday and I could walk into the stall and pet her face and put the halter on her. She still would startle when I was in her blind spot but wouldn’t leave. She led out of the stall and out to the round pen without any resistance. I was going to put her and the other two year old together in the round pen to hang out for a while, but when I went into the pen the other filly took off running so I kept Tanya with me in the middle and worked this other filly. This worked well as Tanya stayed with me even when I had to change the direction of the other filly. I think she liked being on the other end of this game for a change and never resisted coming with me and so I kept it short running the other filly only for as long as she would face up and let us approach and pet her. I leave the two girls to hang out for the rest of the day. Both girls let me catch them and put them in there stalls without and trouble later that evening.

Tanya

Now that I have her in the round pen I can get her tired enough so she will start to change her way of thinking. She is not afraid of me she just doesn't understand why I'm chasing her. People up to this point in her life only come with food. She will let you pet her but it's on her term. Grain only works so far and I don't use it at all in my training for I feel it make a horse constantly push the boundaries of my space. Horse are all about space, it is how they speak to each other in their world of dominate or not. If a horse moves into your space and you move away the horse is dominate in it mind. I wont stand there and let a horse step on me but if it makes me move I will move that horse farther away than it made me move. It is important to stand your ground with a horse. With Tanya here she is not use to a person acting this way and it freaks her out. I have found this one simple thing is at the rout of most of people and horses communication problems. People are unaware they are letting there horse think it's dominate in it world of space. I enter the round pen and Tanya stand looking at me, I can walk up to her but she doesn't want me to touch her face. I can pet her neck but I need to be able to touch her face if I am going to get a halter on her. I spend the time here for she will need to learn this one thing before I move on. I let her leave if she wants and push her around the pen. She is used to this game and take off at a trot. She trot around the pen looking for a way out, I keep her moving and push her to the lope only letting her stand when I am in her space where she has to decide to stay or go. She is head strong and it take about thirty minutes before she will stand and let me pet her face. She still didn't want the halter on and would become wild eyed and bolt when I tried so I throw the rope at her letting it reach out and touch her while she ran and even while she faced up. I do this until she is not trying to bolt and will stand and let me throw this soft rope at her. She is funny, once she decided to let me pet her between the eyes she was over it. She is really one eye dominate and doesn't like me face on in her blind spot, always moving to her strong eye. I work both eyes until I can approach from both side and pet her face.
I need to get her out of my round pen and into a stall today. I put the halter on and ask her to step to one side and she did, then the other side and she did that too but I still can't get her to step forward. She stand her ground with her feet stretched out. she really doesn't like this pressure on her head and opens her mouth and stuck her tongue out, I try to get her feet to move by clucking and whacking her with the rope, she understands me pushing her but she is mad now. I wait a bit and she starts to think and plink again. Now when I ask her to move she leaves in a hurry and instead of me letting her go I pull back instead. I don't know what I was afraid of, she was in a round pen and couldn't go far and I was the one hitting her but I didn't think of that at the time and pull back harder. Well Tanya has had enough and takes off pulling me, the one thing I didn't want with this horse, was a tug a war and now I'm being pulled around the pen like a skier.
When a horse is in its fear mode they don't learn as well as in there more lay ed back mode but this filly is in fear mode. With horses you have to get to the heart of the matter she needs to learn this in fear mode and brought back to chill with me. I feel this is important in setting dominates, the reason for pushing her in the first place. Oh ya back to me being a dumb ass, there is no real hurry here, she can only go around in a circle so no need to get rope burned. I let her go out to the end of the line and let the panel hold her and let her run for a bit. when I see her starting to think about slowing I add pressure and pull her to me. With a few more drags across the pen and I have her stoping and facing me when I pull. I get up to her and pat her between the eyes she startles and leaves in a hurry but doesn't go far and turn and faces me. I walk up to her and pat her between the eyes again she plinks but stays with me. I wait until she relaxes but I still have to teach this mare to walk forward with a pull of the line to get her to the barn. I send her away then ask her to turn into me. If she gets nervous and leave I pull her around and make her go in the other direction. My focus here is to teach her about the pull and what I want from her so I will pull hard and make her go in the other direction. I want her to fight if shes going to so I can work her through it before tieing her for the first time. I lunge her until she will except me pushing her and leave at a walk, face up when I ask and let me pet her between the eyes. push up to the fear mode and back down to chill
Out of the round pen and into the barn. Well we got half way in and the shadow got her thinking that was as far as she was going today. I wait a bit but she was just fine where she was and wouldn't step forward, we still had side to side and back but no forward. I tied her to the stall door and go around back to help and yes she pull back. Now she is mad again and won't do anything but lean. I whack her a few times but it wasn't working. I walked away and got another horse out of it's stall to show her, horse do live in this black hole. When I got back she still look like she was leaning but there was slack in the rope now. When I asked her to step forward she did and went into the stall, I took off her halter and pet her between the eyes.

Glory glory my morning glory's have bloomed. My fences are hot wire and my horses get out all the time. Half the time I feel like I am a guard standing watch and these horses are my prisoners. It is a full time job and one that makes things harder. You have to have a trained ear to hear that sound my stallion makes when someone is out in the nigh, I get out of bed,go catch who ever is out, causing havoc and then try to go back to sleep. I have some trouble makers who are always on the watch for the hot wire not working well. Summertime is always my problem months cause the ground is so dry it doesn't ground well. After years of this nonsense I finally solved my problems. First I put up some chicken wire on the outside of the rock pillor as a visual to keep the horses from running under the fence. I planted morning glory along the wire and then I put in the drip line witch keeps the ground wet and the hot wire hot. So simple I'm kinda embarrassed it took me this many years to think of it, but now with my fathers plants to keep alive, they have given me back my love for plants and flowers that I had lost so many years ago. Training horses is hard work and I felt I couldn't keep up with it all when I divorce and so I let my flower die.
After 8 year of saying to myself "I can't do this by myself" I realized I have been running this ranch by myself and now it's time to solve some of the things that make me feel like a slave to my job and to this ranch.

I have two mares who are young and up to no good. Both mares I didn't keep going with there training cause of all the crap that just kept on happening and they both wants my attention and are always in trouble. I bred them both this year hoping they would settle down and stay in the big pasture with the other mares. But no they get out and kick at the stallions leaving holes in my barn and knocking down rock pillors so I have to keep my own horses in the stalls just to get some sleep. The new morning glory's are working (Blessings)and my horse are staying in their pasture and glory glory my mornings are brighter.

This is Tanya a two year old paint filly out of a mare we call Sandi and sire Big Boy she is one of the last colored paints to be halter broke, She is real big for a two year old and I dreaded doing the job only cause she is so big. I had already worked with her sister and thought she might get a little bratty and throw her weight around. When picking her up I put her in the trailer last and so she would be the first to unload at home. When dealing with a herd of not halter broke horses panels are needed to get them in and out of the trailer. Now I had such panels when I pick up the first few trailer loads but sense then I have made more pens and used the panels I now need to unload these horses into the barn. I find and one half piece of plywood on one side and I stand on the other and open the ramp…
She just stands there looking straight ahead. I wait hoping she will turn around and come on out on her own for I’m blocking the other hole and can’t move. She wont move so I have to step in the trailer and urge her out, this works and she turns and heads for the hole I don’t want her to go, I jump in front of her causing her to whirl and take out the plywood I put up and get out. She is fee running all over the ranch with her tail in the air. Stallions screaming she strutted her stuff until she hit the hot wire and got nervous about her new surroundings. I couldn’t get her to herd into a pen, she would roll back and run over the top of me. I had to hit her with the lead I had in my hand to get her to respect my space but that just made her run harder. I finally managed to get her into the big arena and there she will stay for now.
A few days go by and we are getting to know each other a little but she still won’t let me put anything on her face. I need to get her in a smaller pen so I herd her into a pen that is the only pen connected to the arena but it only has hot wire and so I try not to push her to hard. This way I don’t have to walk so far and I am able to get up to her but she still won’t let me put anything on her.
She started thinking about taking out the hot wire fence and got shocked again so getting her back to just letting me pet her took a while. I let her go back in the indoor fearing she would take out my fences not understanding about it yet.

I have gotten busy halter braking the two in the barn and getting them ready for there Photo Shoot. I was by myself so I tied them to a tree to photograph. The two year old is a Fred baby is just like her mother who I had started years ago. Sweet but has her own mind and want to do things her way. She is smart and has some fire witch is frustrating when getting started but once she gets used to the new order she will settle down and work great. It is a real advantage to having trained both parents in the past with the majority of these horses, I know them already and it’s fun to see how they crossed with each other. Some horse stay in your mind through the years and these horses I remember well. I remember because I liked them and wished they would have stayed in training. I didn’t have sheep back then but I knew they would be great on a cow and wanted the opportunity to see. Funny how life works isn’t it? I still have not work any on my sheep cause just halter braking the lot is enough work right for now.
Realizing I really need to get this last colored paint haltered and out of my big arena. I decide today is the day. I will work her first as to have the energy for her. It is going to take some walking for this arena is big. These horses are funny they are tame when walking around them but when push comes to shove they are wild and can fight for their freedom with everything they have. They have been raised in a herd, so their social skills are great and easy to train but they don‘t like to be confined. Knowing how harsh life is in a herd and how if you can’t run from a dominate horse you are going to get kicked hard. I understand this and try to let her leave if she wants and keep her going and let her decide that what I want from her is not so bad after all. This pen is to big and after an hour I have just taught her to run for one end to the other. It’s a game now and she is have great fun cutting me and then taking off like a bat out of hell. She is quite the mover, flat kneed and up under herself, I think she could show pleasure and I’m excited about that, but right now My feet hurt! I decide to try this on horse back and go get a filly I have in training. I remember all to well working horses in the past, how easy they can kick you in the knee and so I keep my distance.
Tanya has not see anyone ride a horse before and is not sure if she should run or come say hi. She decides to run. I stand still and wait for her to settle and then start to track her. This works well for both horses but I’m still following her. I try to take control and herd her where I want her, she doesn’t like this and tries to take control back and pins her ears and comes at me. Yelling at her and swinging a rope at her reminds her this is not just another horse and she changes her mind and I am able to drive her. She still will not stand still so I drive her into a corner and block her. This takes about another hour to get her to stand still where I want her and relax. Because I had to yell at her and throw the rope at her she gets nervous and tries to leave every time I talk to her now. I have to block and talk, block and talk. Funny mare.
I still can’t get a halter on her and thought about roping her but the filly I’m on isn’t ready for that. She did great today tracking this horse so I decide to try and herd her through a few pens and into the round pen. This take another 30 minute but finally she is in the round pen. I put the filly I’m riding away and enter the round pen, I push her around the pen and within about fifteen minute she is ready to let me walk up to her again and pet her. I could have put the halter on but I’m tired so I leave her in the round pen and get to cleaning my stalls. I will work her first thing tomorrow.