Gifts of spirit

I started this blog because I lost someone very special to me, my father, then I found myself in a situation where I was afraid for my life. Isolation is what I wanted but not what I needed. With no one to talk to I was left with only my fears. When bad things happen sometime there full impact sneaks up on you later. You think you are fine and laugh it off but deep down you are not, your faith in others is broken. When I started this blog my faith in others was pretty shattered but I still felt a need to connect with someone. The last thing I wanted to do is put myself out, it's hard and uncomfortable, honestly left to myself I wouldn't but life has a way of knowing what is best. Scared and alone I reached out to everyone and shared my story's. Recently my faith in others has been restored with amazing gifts of spirit. I am truly blessed with great family and friends. Thank you so very much for your love and support! I can't tell you how much it means to me:0)

God Bless

love
Regina

My first two Reining Horses

The last time I competed on one of my own horses was in 1999. It was a filly I bought at the spectacular horse when they tried to put on a horse sale. It was a complete bust and they where begging people to get a buys number. I wasn't showing that year I was there to just watch. The two year old sold on Friday, the brood mares, yearlings and broke older horses sold on Saturday.
I felt I didn't have a nice enough horse to show at a futurity. My horse was sixteen hand and towered over everyone else there. At the time reining horse where(typy)reiners, they where little, round and cute with big flowing mains, mine was big, not that good of a loper with an expressive tail and not so cute, he had no real mane to speek of.

His name is Seven S Solano and he was a great horse to train. He was my first reiner I ever rode or trained for that mater. He was the best teacher and friend I could ask for, and I did ask for him, I prayed on it. It was this acre in my heart that I needed a great horse to ever be taken seriously as trainer. He was forgiving to a falt. I didn't know what I was doing, I'd never ridden a reiner before let alone train one. I made so many mistake reading everything I could find and then trying it out. Through trial and error we figured it out together. I bought him as a long yearly in the hopes that I could brake into the show world. I had traded two painting and two thousand dollar for him. He was a big size baby but his sire was only around 15 hands and his dam 14.3 he must be a early bloomer and would stop growing soon. He was the best baby I could find for that price, wild eyed snorting at everything with really bad feet, two full cracks up the fronts. He had been running in a herd on a mountain and hadn't been touch so I figured with some tender loving care I could fix his feet. I was able to keep him sound but never got rid of the cracks and lean a valueble lessons feet.



In my mind I need a better horse I'm still not getting clients and I had already won a lot on him.







Won the Free Style Reining class two years in row and bridles both years but I still didn't have paying show clients. The first person to compete bridle-less in competition and nothing. I needed a new horse, one with the look they want. I tried to sell him for some discent money but couldn't get him sold, I couldn't even get people to come look at him. I had no money but my friends and I decide to stay and watch the two year olds sell just for fun. Oh man they were just giving them away, one really nice horse after another. All night long I sat there and watch these already started two year old go for around two thousand dollars. I felt sick I didn't have even that amount of money.
The next morning I woke to the thought still in my head. I need to get me one of these horses. We looked all the yearlings over, like always I pick out the ones I liked pretending we where real buyers.
Some horses just stand out to you, you don't know why, they just shine. Zan Parr Express was a horse I had only seen in a photo, he stood in dry grass feild in Texas He was anverage looking Chestnut but the photo stuck in my mind and I even marked to page by folding the corner down.
I had four fillies picked out three of them where by Zan Parr Express. I could not believe my luck someone hauled some of his babies to my area and I have no money.
With my notes and chattering about what one I like most a girl from the sale office stopped me and asked if I had a buyers number yet I ask if they took credit joking. She said no but they would hold a check a few days until I could get to my bank to diposit money, they needed buyer real bad. I filled out the paper work and got my first buyers number, I was so nervous I had never done anything like this before, my husand was going to kill me. I had twenty two hundred dollars limit on the card so I couldn't get to far in. The first filly on my list was black and very pretty and went way over my limit, the second a red roan who went over just a few hundred. I had two more left a chestnut and a palomino. I hadn't look the Chestnut filly over much I had my eye on color and she was kind a plain but if the palomino went over my limit I would not get one at all. This was my shot the chestnut filly.
Into the sales arena the chestnut filly walk calmly, she was nice, you could see her sweet disposition right way. Her right front leg turned out a little, I didn't like that. The biding begain and I stated putting up my number, at the fifteen hunderd bit I got overly excited, I wasn't sure where the bid was at and the auctionier stop talking, he leaned over at me and said "Honey you already have the bid are you sure you want to up your bid." I put my number down and sank in my chair, everyone laughted, buy the time the biding restarted but no one esle bid, I think they understood I really wanted this filly, I held the bid at fifteen. I was embarrassed but so excited, I just bought my first horse at an auction. I'll Be Expressin Myself was kind of a weird name but Wow, I just bought a horse. Time to find the owner and make arangment. He had put the filly back in her stall buy the time we made it out there. The man that brought these Zan Parr Express babies from texas was not happy but he wasn't going to haul them back and he let them sell for nothing in his book. The only thing he said to me was "You just got a really nice filly, I hope you do something with her and walk off."
I was so excited I didn't mind his shortness and understood his frustration I started making plans to get her home. I was there in my car, I would need to find someone to haul her for me. Man, my husband is going to kill me.
He was mad when I told him but I didn't care, I need this horse.
When she arrived a few days later, I put her out in a run to let her play. It was small and L shaped and she took off running around the corner and slid to a stop and back again with a little bit more speed. misjudging her stopping distance she slip right through the hot wire fence. My husband turned and started walking off, I said "did you see that? He replied "yes your new horse is out." "No, not that, did you see that slid, It must have been thirty feet long" I replied, he just shook his head and kept walking. He did get over his irration about the horse sooner than I thought, actually he kind of liked her, it was hard not to, she was the sweetest mare I had ever owned and still to this day she is my favorate mare.

Happy's blog

It was such lovely day today I thought I would work with my horses. It's been months sense I rode Happy. I got him out of his stall and tied him to the wash rack. Oh my he is nasty. I left the water on overnight last week and flooded his paddock and now he has mud balls in his tail. His pen is a mess, Man just when it started to dry out too.

I give him a bath and go clean his stall, witch took the good part of the day seeing I haven't clean it out in a while and now that it's so muddy he has stopped going outside to potty.
When he dries I put him out in the round pen to run around a little. He kicked up his heal and strut his stuff, he got so into playing that he slip and feel. He was in such a good mood he didn't even care he fell to the ground, he just started to roll and then he was on his feet and bucking again. I stood and watch him for awhile but now that he fell he was more careful not to get overly carried away again.

Cody is running up and down the fence wanting to get over to Happy playing. I think I will take Cody on a trail ride, we haven't been out for a while and it's such a lovey day. Down the road we went. I have a two mile dirt road to my house with a straight stretch at the end. If I want to lope I do it on the way out never on the way back. Cody is great out on the trail with others but he gets freaked out by himself, especially when the mares start calling to him on the way home. He starts to trot and I stop and back him each time. He knows I don't like him talking to mare when I am handling him and so he starts to get upset and backs up fast and starts to jump from side to side anticipating my spur in his belly. I was such a nice day and he has been good for the last two clinics so today I decided I would ride him bare back and now I was regretting that decision. Some neighbors go for a jog and now are heading straight at us slowly. Well Cody can't make any sense of these to figures coming down the road, he stops, raises his head as high as it could possible go and freezes like a statue. I can feel his heart beating as he flicks his ears back to front, looking for the best escape. I grab a handful of mane and wait, he tries turning to the right and I block with my leg, well it was more like spur cause I'm bareback, feeling the spur in his side he make a hard turn to the left. Thank God I had loped him on the way out and now he is sweaty and I stick glue. I give him my left leg and now he jumps forward prancing down the road as big as he could puff himself up. You would think he never seen the neighbors running before the way he was carrying on. Stopping and backing now is out cause he is more than happy to turn and run so I decide to focus on keeping him looking forward. Finally the joggers got close enough he finally figured it out and went back to the fast walk home. About a quart mile mark he just can't help it and call to the mare again getting himself all worked up. If he started trotting I would stop him and back. If he would call to the mare I would stop him and back but when he call to the mare he knows he is being bad so he gets more nervous and start to run backwards as he screems. What happened to my leisurely ride? The sun is going down and it's starting to get cold out here.


I've had a few horses in training over the years with the problem of hurrying home and the worst one helped me find the best cure.
I had gotten this mare in training started by someone else. The mare had competed at the snaffle bit but was not broke in my book. I took her out on my two miles of dirt road and she was great on the way there but the moment you turn her around the race was on. She would through her head and push through the bridle stopping and backing just made her mad and she would buck or try to run off. You could have her nose bent around to my foot and she still be running blind. She ended up falling in the ditch one day, we didn't get hurt but I had enough of her tantrums and I didn't want to fight with her anymore. The funny thing about this mare was she was incredible lazy in the arena, you would have to over under her just to keep her loping. She was stubborn and smart, a difficult combo, she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that was that. Fighting with her is not working cause she is getting to dangerous. Frustrated and wanting to quite on this mare, I thought of one thing I had never tried before, in theory it should work, if I do it all the way.
I ride her out the road to the end, lopping most of the way it's about two miles. I turned her around and asked her to walk back. She was good at first but started to get pushy as we got closer to home. This time when she would push and toss her head in stead of stopping and backing I would turn her around and lope her all the way out the road again. Something about a straight stretch that makes a horse want to run and I let her run as fast as she wanted to away from home, after about the fourth time out she started to not want to any more. I started to shorten the distance I would lope her away from home and she stopped pushing through the bridle as much. I really wanted to make my point here and expected her to walk home on a loose rein. It was a long day but it worked. I would have to remind her every once in a while with a nice long lope out to the end again but we never had anymore bucking or leaping through the air, running home sideways with her head around to my leg. Redirecting her energy made her change her mind to my way of thinking. She went on to win in open and non pro classes, she even won an all around in cutting, reining, working cow horse and halter. I really didn't like her the first six months I had her in training, she was tough but she grow on me. SPC Cut N Chex


It was dark by the time Cody got wise to the game and walked home without losing his fool mind. The quarter of a mile from home seemed to be hard for him, we spent most of our time there walking toward home then loping away. He couldn't help himself when we rounded the driveway and started to scream, I thought about letting it slide and just get home, it's getting dark and I'm cold, my ass is wet from his sweet but I wanted my efforts today to lasts and before he new it he found himself loping back out a quart mile away again, after that he walk home on a lose rein.

Starting Over

I believe in the law of nature and how the natural world works. Life is harsh and unforgiving and then other times it's amazingly beautiful with gifts of bounty, positive and negative one can not be without the other. Day and night we live, we die, you can't get out of this alive." So what to do with my time I'm given here on this amazing planet?


A broker had called me wanting me to maybe start working in real estate again, I am licensed, I just need to find a broker I want to work with. I really need a job but I need one that pays now.


Recently I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine, and it really got me thinking. His suggestion to me was I needed to flirt more, I'm to closed off and up tight I need to use what the good lord gave me. Yes I was offended, and started to argue with him at first. He said I needed to flip my hair around, smile and then touch men on the arm. There ain't no way I'm doing that! I don't like people touching me, I'm just not a real touchy feel person unless I really like you, let alone reach out and touch someone else, I have enough trouble trying to keep men from touching me as is, it's really not fun, I'm not going to invite them to touch me by touching them first. I'm always trying to get away from their hand on my back or the squeeze of the leg that linger until I have to move and of coarse the lovely hand slidding down my back side. I think at this point in my life, I'm kind of tired of the hole thing. I liked hiding out at my ranch and training horse, I'm comfortable here, but If I can't make a living here anymore I need to venture out, I can't get away from it, I need to except it as part of the natural world in witch I live. Not good or bad, for it is both. If the bad is staring me in the face, where is the good, I need to look for the good and follow.



I put on a sweaterdress with boots and off I went to my interview. One of the things I learned about myself while doing real estate was I liked to get dressed up and be clean. I have never really spent to much time on that kind of stuff in the past, cloths and shoes, I did shower at the end of the day and most of the time the water coming off me was brown. I had about two pair of high heals in my closet, one dark, one lite for any occasion, many pairs of flip flops though, I love my flip flops. I never do my nail cause why bother and I always cut and dye my own hair. If I wasn't so gray I wouldn't have even bother with doing that. I was focused on my family, training horse and music and who has the time? Wow it takes a lot of time to keep up with it all, being a woman today is a lot of maintenance but I really need a job so I cleaned the dirt from out of under my nail and put on some make up. I arrive at my interview, I was totally over dressed and felt very uncomfortable. I smiled and listened to his sales pitch, there was no flipping of the hair or touching! I realize I have been so defensive about being touched, apparently I have forgotten how to flirt. I really don't want to flirt to get a job! It feels wrong and it can only end badly, and then it hit me. I love to flirt, I think everyone loves to flirt it feels good to be attractive and attracted to someone. I think I love to perform because I can be flirty without being touched, I like the barrier of a stage. I thought to myself, that's the ticket right there, I can do that, I can sell it on stage and actually be myself I just haven't done it all the way yet. I need to get a band together and finish my CD it's time, it's my time. All my doubts, my fears and the voices of others doubts and fears dancing around in my head that I'm to old. Yet a great deal of the people in the entertainment business are my age. It boils down to the entertainment business and can you entertain others? Music is where my heart is and if I have to sell myself to be successful, I'm ready, lets do this thing! I asked Ela to come take some photos of me for my CD. It was great to work with a friend I feel comforable with, she made it fun.
I met a friend for a drink the other night to talk about maybe going back to waitressing at night so I could still ride my own horses during the day. There was a band playing and a young girl got up and sang a few song and Wow she was great. What a voice, I started to feel maybe everyone is right, I'm over the hill but I didn't get started until I was thirty five so technically I was over the hill right out of the gate. By the end of the night I was fine again, It's not about if I'm the best singer or how I look, there will always be someone better, prettier only that I'm myself and I'm doing what I love.

When the fear of being strangled, drugged, or raped or all three comes into your home, it gets really apparent life doesn't go the way you want it to sometimes. I can't get away from the crazy way people react to me but I'm not going to hide out any more, that wasn't really working out so well anyways. I'm not going to let fear consume my thoughts and hold me back. I'm going to let myself be me, where I'm at right now, I might offend some but maybe inspire others, it's good, it's bad, it's life. Out of the darkness comes the light every time, naturally and back around again. I have close friends and family who love and understand me, my heart is full.

Thank you Ela for taking these photos

My one lone sheep is missing after coming back from my painting job yesterday. She had wondered down to my neighbors the other morning looking for another sheep to hanging out with, I had planned on putting her in some panels in the hay barn that night but I couldn't find her and sadly she is still missing today:(
It's been around eight years I have worked this ranch by myself and I have never lost one sheep until now. Just when I really needed a brake. I'm tired of living the life of a starving artist, from the streets of San Fransisco where my dad would but me in his guitar chase when he would play on the street for money all the way to now where I'm now out of work and doing odd job's just to get by. I have become a charity case over night. If hard work doesn't lead to success today I figure I would try sell out instead. What the heck I got nothing to lose. It's kind of fun once you get started. Thank you Ela for taking the photo yesterday. You did a great job!

unraveling

This is one of my favorite songs I have writen. I wrote it a few years back so I can share it now. Songs end up having a life of there own eventually, out of the termoilin witch they where created and I think that is a cool thing.

UNRAVELING

Many stitches sown, trying to conceal
The keeper of the strings, pulling strings reveal
Colors brillant and bright, colors full of pride
Still the beauty within, in vain tries to hide

In your greed you want all the colors of my heart
Only taking my love I gave from the start
Holding on with fear, fear of losing control
Protecting my heart my new and main goal

Unraveling all the colored patchest of my heart
I handed you my strings one night in the dark

Stop pulling my strings my poor heart cries
If you unravel all of me, surely I will die
Standing almost naked, stand before you now
Holding on to the last of my strings somehow

I realize the beauty within and I'm not afraid
All my colored patches turned out to be all man made
Not portexting me or coming to my aid
Just leaving me lonely torn and frayed

To the keeper of my strings with true irony
For you are unraveling also now I see
Stubborn, defencive and trying to run
Dragging me through the mud, you have your fun

Becareful with the mean things you do
for the mean thing you do to me, you also do to you
eventually you will see, you are not exactly free
You are just a puppet on a string just like me

Unraveling all the colored patches of my heart
I handed you my strings one night in the dark

You handed me your strings one night in the dark

Unraveling

another sleepless night

The Coyote's kept the dogs barking all night long. I got out of bed three time to walk around the ranch when the coyote calls got close. The one sheep I have in the small pen by the barn was quitely hiding in a corner. My Rat Terrier is getting to old to fight them off and is showing the battle scars. My Lab mix is so old she struggles to just get around. I have one younger dog named Yogi, he is a Brat Terrier, a Rat and Boston cross, he has this funny personality of the Boston and the hartiness of the Rat he kinda look like a bit bull but not. The Boston gives the wide head and the Rat the stout body. I would love to find a female Brat who is not related to mine cause I always intended to breed this cross. I need another younger dog around here. I have owned sheep for eight years and this is the first year I have lost sheep to Coyotes. I do realize by getting the chicken and ducks I brought the coyote's around so now I have to up my defensive line. Please keep a look out for any Brat puppies available. Thanks so much

Coyote Trouble

Recently I sold most of my sheep at the auction, I didn't want to cause they were all going to have babies soon and I love the babies. I kept two pregnant ewes and one six month old ewe. I will use the six month old until the babies are old enough. Eight years ago I started out my sheep herding was with three little sheep about three month old. Three sheep became four a few days ago, a new little ram was born. He was really cute until last night when the coyote's killed him, his mother and the six month old. This is really out of control. I guess without the rams and the herd they are easy pray and the one alone won't last long either. I put her in a small pen up against the barn and we will hope for the best. It been so foggy lately hunting hasn't been impossible and the coyote's are getting bold. My dogs have wounds from fighting but somehow the ducks are fine.

Picking up scattered pieces of there remains was definitely a bad way to start the day.

I'll Be Waiting

This poem came to me a few years back. I sat down at my computer and wrote it as one continuous thought, start to finish word for word. Usually I write on what ever is lying around and then I finally put the scraps all together to form my thoughts, it's a little messy and scattered but it works for me. This poem was different and when I heard the music a few months later it fit perfectly and I didn't have to change a thing.
I was trying to date someone who thought it fun to make me wait, wait for him to come around. I stopped seeing him and after writing the song I called him to tell him I had wrote another song about him, I didn't say what the tittle was or what the song was about just that I had written one. I think I was poking a bit but anyhow his response to me was and I quote "I'm going to wait until you write a hole CD about me." I think I nailed this one right one the head. This is still one of my favorite songs to sing and stays true for any guy, it's timeless.

I'll Be Waiting
I'll be waiting
not for you but....

For the one who wants to make me happy
kinda sweet and sometimes even sappy
doesn't know what to do half the time
but I know he's all mine

Where I feel free and safe to laugh
cause he knows I'm his better half
when we wrestle with a knowing grin
playfully he always lets me win

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
not for you but....

For the one who trust and understands
I am trying to lend a helping hand
not crush him or hurt his pride
just show him his softer side

To the place where time stands still
face to face of our own will
where the mind can stop all it's games
to the place where we are all the same

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
not for you but...

For the one who doesn't make me blue
measure love by crying over you
someone who cares how I feel
cause if you don't than it isn't real

Who know you are mine and I am yours
someone tired of all the little wars
to the place in between happy and sad
in between indifferent and mad

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
Not for you but...
I'll be waiting for the one.

I'll Train You Good

Have you ever gotten to a place in your life where you don't have anything to lose? Your pride is already gone so what the heck, I can just say what what ever I want, who cares. It's freeing really. I do realize that I may never get another real date in my life after I say what I'm about to say but what the heck it's not looking real good anyways.

I will start off, by saying it's pretty clear I have trouble with men. OH the endless chatter about what is wrong with me. First it's my horses, if I was as passionate about men as I am with horses than I would have one in my life. Then it's I'm to head strong, a good man wants to be the one in charge, or I'm to picky. I tried loosing interest in my horses in pursuit of a man, I was miserable! According to my friends somehow I became to desperate and now I need to get stronger and chose better men. Well hell!

With all the trouble I have went through lately, I think one really finds out who they are and what they want, when you go through a bit of shit. Going through hard times gives you a real sense of what you don't want in your life and refines what you do. I love my horses and I deserve to have them in my life. They are honest and never change. They have been my best friends and they don't care how I look or that I am small, they respect and except me for me. It is a true partnership. I take care of them and they lift me up and make me better than I am without them. They are bratty and demanding but respectful if I work for it. They definately keep me on my toes. If one gets to big headed you might find yourself on your butt in the dirt. It's real, it's honest, and a lot of hard work as true relationship are.

Every man I have ever really dated after a while, they say I am training them like one of my horses, they use this to win any arguement. And to that I always say NO I am trying to help you understand but in my mind, I am truly thinking, of corse I am, clearly you have no idea what the heck you are doing, when it come to loving me.
Who would want to be treated badly? someone putting you down, have someone say to you ''even though you are not The One, I would like to have sex with you while I'm waiting for her to come along". That lovely disclaimer men have. If a man ever says he is a real ass hole before sex believe him and run. Why Can't we just be friends with benefits they say. You get yours and I'll get mine, it fine. Hearing this line of crap a few times I thought I would start doing and saying everthing they said and did to me right back at them. And you know what? They get pretty up set about it. I give them the disclaimer before we get started so we understand I am waiting for The One. They actually get butt hurt when you treat them like a sex toy. Funny they don't like it one bit either. Everyone is waiting for The One, someone you love to spend time with, just when you say it, it puts real pressure on the situation. I do realize by saying I'm waiting for the one I am putting them on the spot but isn't that the point.
Because I train horses for a living I can't train my man? Who thought of that one? Everyone trains the other person in a relationship, it's called setting boundaries.

I write songs about my life and I write them in poem form first then I put them to music later, it's just the way I write. I thought seeing I have all these song I can't afford to get recorded I will share them as their original form, the poem.

I'll Train You Good

Wild at heart and free to run
Love em and leave em in the morning sun
All the honey that you still
Can't brake the emptiness you feel

While I'm training horses all day long
Wondering why we don't get along
Why are good men so hard to find
I'll train me up one gentle and kind

I'll train you good
You know I would
Save you the bracken if I could
You won't respect me if I would
Oh honey don't you know
It's for your own good

Stubborn and wild and down right mean
Well you never seen the likes of me
I whip your ass and spur yours sides
It only hurts your over grown pride

The only time it going to hurt
When you try to through me in the dirt
It wont' be long before I make you kind
love can gentle your worried mind

I'll train you good
I'd save you the bracken if I could
You won't respect me if I would
Oh honey don't you know
it's for your own good

Men and horses their all the same
If you know how to play the game
When he comes with heart it hand
Then you know you've got a good man

Easy boy it's alright
Easy boy it's alright

ps.. tomorrow I will post

I'll Be Waiting

until then have a good night and God Bless.

Palomino Paint filly's offered for sale

This is Stella, she is a two year old filly by Chinas Fancy Boy and out of a quarter horse mare Sandy Q Bell. She is a palomino overo and very flashy with a white/silver main. She is big, a good mover and good minded like her sire, she was easy to halter brake and loves people. This filly is ready to start under saddle and waiting for her new home. Photo taken as a yearly.

the ying and yang of life

When I was about four my older sister went to school and I was left home. We lived in Michigan at the time on a dairy farm and now that my sister was in school my Dad had to take me with him to town to get food. We didn't have a car and so he pulled a sled for the food and I was on one of those round sleds, I remember it was red. As we passed a little lake my father thought it would be fun to both sit on the round sled and slide down the hill on to the ice and it was fun until we were out on the ice and we fell through into the freezing cold water. Thankfully it was not really deep and my dad was able to hold me up so my head didn't go under the water, only my body was wet but it was freezing out and we didn't have a ride. Wet and freezing we started walking back home, I was crying and wanted to sit on the sled but he made me walk to keep warm. I can remember the pain of the cold and I wouldn't walk any more and fell to the ground in protest crying so he carried me. Thankfully a tractor came by and gave us a ride. We were traveling a little faster but the wind was shockingly cold, I remember the driver put me up on the engine where it was warmer, he kept saying "don't touch the pipes dear there hot" I remember the pipes and trying to get as close as possible without touching them, my dad was in pain, wet from head to toe.
My dad was a big kid, he thought life was a big adventure and he liked the struggle of life, his attitude was great fun on the most part but sometimes not so much.
The town folk never talked to my father for he was a Hippy with long hair and they didn't have any Hippy's in Michigan back then. The driver of the tractor befriended my father on the ride home and he had invited us to a basketball game at the high school. Word had gotten out that we had fallen through the ice and now everyone wanted to know about the weird Hippy guy they had been afraid of, now realizing he was a single father of two little girls. I had never seen anything like a gym before and hid behind my father as much as I could, I remember everyone staring at us.
That Christmas was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to us, the hole town got together and one by one, car after car came Christmas Eve, they would talk to my father for a few minutes out on the porch and then leave. No one ever came to our little trailer especially at night. Dad kept telling us to go to bed but we would run out of our room to see out the window, we couldn't see much just the head lights of the cars. Dad would catch us and chase us back to bed, it was great fun and finally we fell asleep and woke up Christmas morning to find presents stacked to the ceiling of our little trailer. I remember I got a snoopy with wheels I could ride around.It had a little saddle on it, I loved that! Wow it was the best Christmas ever! Toys and more toys, I didn't understand fully at the time, it was just a great moment but later I was embarrassment that I was a charity chase, always being so pore.
I hate being cold, it's one of the things I worry about, I guess you could say it's a fear of mine, I never wanted to live like that again, Michigan is so cold, the snow would be so deep we couldn't get out of our trailer, dad would have to climb out he bathroom window and dig out the door. We moved back to California when I was four and a half, I grow up in a shack without any insulation, just wood and tar paper but it was warmer than Michigan. My dad would build onto our shack when he could find free wood and so their wasn't any real planning involved, our bedroom were down stairs from the wood stove so every night was cold in the winter. I think about that now and it seems crazy we didn't have any heat in our rooms. We would heat up water on the wood stove and then dad would pore it over us on the steps out side. It was truly miserable!
I hated the fact that my father didn't see anything wrong with looking through the dump for things. I would sit on the hill with my arms folded, refusing to look through the trash. My sister found a cool doll but I didn't care I was not going to dig through the feakin trash and then my father found a plastic Bryer horse with three legs. Being a horse crazy girl, I jumped in there looking for the other leg so I could glue it back on. I was heartbroken when I realized I wasn't going to find it for that was why it was in the trash in the first place. I kept the little horse and loved it anyways. The free adventurous spirit my dad had was a great thing sometimes but those experiences made me embarrassed when I grow up, making me not let others help me in my adult life.
With everything that has happened in my life lately I am coming to understand so many things more clearly.
I went out of town last week looking for work and when I came home my propane was out. I couldn't pay my bill. Growing up with only a wood stove now as an adult I really didn't want to mess with building a fire all the time so I have Propane but now it's a holiday and I can't get any until Monday and my house is 42 degrees. It's funny to think with my up bringing that I am not prepared for something like this but I'm not. No hot water, no stove to cook on and I'm cold, son of a bitch how is this happening to me.
I called my mom for help witch is really hard for me, she make me crazy always critical of me because I'm so much like my father but I didn't know what else to do. We have not been talking much the last few years and with my fathers passing things got really strained between us, in my asking her for help I have to work through my pride a little but in letting her help me we are both blessed. I realize now she needs to help me because she needs to heal from the pain of abandon me when I was a baby. Her guilt is over whelming to me, for I never missed her because I didn't know any different, I was only four months old when she left. The fact that I couldn't cry over her in her mind I never forgave her but in my mind I just don't have the same kind of pain she carries and I can never reassure her enough. I went to live with her when I was in six grade and she cleaned me up and showed me how other people lived, with a nice warm house and hot running water. She bought me nice cloths and brush out my hair. Because of her I got to step out of my life I knew and into a hole different way. People treated me differently when I was cleaned up. I got a tutor and started to learn to read. It change my life in a very positive way, but I was still my fathers little girl at heart and she hated that. As nice as all that was I missed my dad and moved back with him in seventh grade. I move back and forth in my teenage years, me and my mom had a good relationship but I grow up as kids do and she wanted me to stay a child and couldn't grow with me. She took it personally that I wanted my own life and everything came back around to me not forgiving her for leaving, when in fact I just needed to grow up and become an adult. It's been a long hard road between us to say the least but I am very thankful she came back into my life.

As I'm sitting in my cold ass house reflecting, out of the blue an old friend calls me, Ela Richmand, we haven't talked to each other for years, she said she had been thinking about me a lot lately and when she heard the state I'm in at the moment offer to help me out, letting me borrow her space heater. I can heat one room of my house and I am very thankful. Friends offer their shower and food and money, I am uncomfortable but also overwhelmed with their kindness.

The last few years have been a little crazy, and I have been forced to face my fears and with each new strange thing that happens I realize who I am, amazingly I feel like I'm falling in love with my life again. Facing losing everything I have worked so hard for makes me hungry to hold on to what I love and try! Try harder, trying is the secrets, worrying is wasted energy. I had stopped trying, complaining about everything wrong in my life not moving forward in my thinking, I was miserable! I'm sorry I wasted so much energy complaining. Now I'm scared but not so scared as to stop dreaming! I'm moving forward in my thinking and I feel alive and hopeful.
I hear people talk about the old days how things where better back then but most of the time they have never really tried it. I'm here to tell you that today is the best time throughout history to be alive and we are blessed with progress. Each generation resisted change, thinking it was so much better back when but it wasn't really. If I had been born a few hundred years ago I would have died in child birth. Life is ever changing and thank God for that! If I have to go back to living like I grow up I will endure, I was happy then and I am thankful now for the lifes lesson. We as a race will never go back, life is about progress and I believe we will figure it out together when we start trying, and then life get fun again. Complaining is so easy but go's nowhere, wasting our life's energy.
I am so amazed at the love my friends and family has showed me in my time of struggle and I feel blessed. The things I worry so much about are things of pride and as I'm painfully stripped of my pride I find beauty in others. Those thing in my past that make me who I am, the things that drive me, things I can't always see in myself, I realize my weaknesses are not so bad really. They are actually doors to freedom, freedom from my fears so I can dream again.
give and receive we are all blessed.